DECEMBER 1, 1978

Full News Archive

• Headline: Celebrating Burroughs at Nova Conv. Impact: This gathering of avant-garde minds sparked a chain of literary movements, leading to a future where everyone claims to be a 'Burroughs enthusiast' while only reading his Wikipedia page.. Fact: Did you know that if you recite Burroughs' work backward, it sounds like a very confused cat trying to speak English? True story!.
• Headline: Cus D'Amato's Enduring Legacy in Boxing. Impact: D'Amato's relentless chatter somehow influenced future sports agents to think they could talk their way into any deal—spoiler alert: they can't.. Fact: Fun fact: Cus D'Amato once talked so much that he accidentally invented a new form of cardio—'Chatio.'.
• Headline: Insurance Issues in School Sports. Impact: The debates over insurance in schools led to a million-dollar industry of lawyers specializing in 'injured recess' cases. Who knew dodgeball could be so litigious?. Fact: Did you know the first-ever school insurance policy was just a note that said, 'Don't get hurt'?.
• Headline: CARTER IS TROUBLED BY MIDEAST DELAYS; SADAT AIDE ARRIVES. Impact: Carter's concerns about the Middle East led to a series of diplomatic mishaps that somehow resulted in the rise of social media influencers pretending to be experts on foreign policy.. Fact: Fun fact: The phrase 'troubled by delays' is now used by every person who has ever waited for their online order..
• Headline: Recital Violin Master. Impact: This event set off a wave of pretentiousness in the classical music scene, with everyone suddenly believing they could appreciate violin music while actually just wanting to look cultured.. Fact: Did you know that if you listen to violin music while doing your taxes, you may just end up crying over both?.
• Headline: I.C.C. Votes To Relax Truck Rule. Impact: This vote led to a future where truckers could create endless 'freedom' memes, making everyone believe they were road warriors without ever leaving their couches.. Fact: Fun fact: The I.C.C. was originally just a group of people who really liked trucks and wanted to hold meetings in parking lots..
• Headline: Jersey Psychiatrist, Studying the Guyana Survivors, Fears Implications for U.S. Society From Other Cults. Impact: This study sparked a deep societal fear of cults, leading to the invention of self-help books and a mass purchasing spree of 'How to Avoid Cults' merchandise.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more dangerous than a cult is a self-help book recommending you join one?.
• Headline: 2 Horses Die in Race In Unrelated Accidents. Impact: This tragic event led to increased safety regulations in horse racing, eventually prompting the creation of the Horse Safety Council, which sounds more like a horsey support group.. Fact: In a bizarre twist, some horses are now insured for more than celebrities. Who knew being a horse was the new 'It' job?.
• Headline: Chamber Music Finds Home All Over Town. Impact: The rise of chamber music in various venues created a hipster renaissance; now every coffee shop insists on having 'live chamber music' nights, much to the dismay of regular customers.. Fact: Did you know that chamber music is the only genre where you can enjoy a symphony while still feeling superior to anyone who listens to pop?.