NOVEMBER 16, 1978

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tragedy Strikes: 189 Pilgrims in Jet Crash. Impact: The crash of the charter jet led to stricter aviation regulations globally, sparking a chain reaction of heightened safety protocols that, among other things, resulted in the invention of the inflatable slide—a necessity for those who can't manage a simple exit without falling flat on their face. Fact: Despite this tragic event, airlines still took decades to perfect the art of serving peanuts and overpriced drinks in cramped seats.
• Headline: William D. Burden, Noted Naturalist Passes Away. Impact: William D. Burden's death marked a pivotal moment that caused a chain of naturalists to pick up the baton of environmental conservation, leading to the founding of numerous wildlife organizations. Who knew one less naturalist could spark a small army of tree-huggers?. Fact: Burden's last words were reportedly about the need to save the planet, which is ironic considering we're still arguing over who gets to park their SUV in the driveway.
• Headline: Record Increase in Money Market Certificates. Impact: The record gains in money market certificates inadvertently led to the rise of 'financial gurus' on social media, where they turned investing into a meme-worthy spectacle. Thanks, 1978!. Fact: These certificates became the original 'high-yield' savings accounts, proving that money can indeed grow while you sleep—unless you’re a millennial, of course.
• Headline: Schlesinger, Offering Fuel Plan, Cites Iran. Impact: Schlesinger's proposal to raise domestic crude prices became a flashpoint for oil debates, ultimately leading to the invention of the gas-guzzling SUV as a rebellious statement against high prices. Take that, inflation!. Fact: The irony is that people complained about gas prices while driving their massive vehicles, which is like being mad about the gym while bench-pressing a car.
• Headline: Chico, Calif.: The Fallout 17 Years Later. Impact: The failed nuclear survivalists of Chico, Calif. inadvertently laid the groundwork for the survivalist movement and reality TV shows about preppers. Their misguided hopes brought us countless hours of entertainment as we watched people stockpile beans. Fact: Only five of the original members remained in Chico, likely because they realized that living in constant fear of nuclear fallout was less fun than binge-watching 'Survivor.'.
• Headline: Music: Watts Starts Schubert Salute. Impact: Andre Watts’ performance began a trend of classical music concerts being held in non-traditional venues, leading to the eventual emergence of 'classical crossover' music. So, thank you, Watts, for paving the way for hip-hop violinists. Fact: Watts' performance was so good that it made you forget you were sitting next to someone who probably thought Beethoven was a dog.