JULY 21, 1978

Full News Archive

• Headline: Barn Owls to Combat Rat Problem. Impact: By introducing barn owls in Morristown, the city inadvertently sparked a nationwide trend of using hipster animals for pest control. Next thing you know, raccoons are the new city council members.. Fact: Did you know? Barn owls are nature's pest control experts, but they can’t hold a candle to the effectiveness of a well-placed rat trap—or a cat..
• Headline: Ex-Mayor Whelan Granted Parole. Impact: Whelan's parole led to the formation of a secret society of ex-politicians who meet to swap stories of their questionable decisions—effectively creating a time loop of mediocrity.. Fact: Did you know? Parolees often become storytellers, but Whelan's tales are more fiction than reality; it’s like a political fantasy novel..
• Headline: Study Reveals Surprising Marital Insights. Impact: The study's findings created a ripple effect where husbands began to actually listen to their wives, leading to the first wave of couples therapy—resulting in a spike in therapists' incomes and a sharp decline in barbershop gossip.. Fact: Did you know? This study might lead to a new trend in couples therapy, where men are mandated to attend and learn that 'happy wife' doesn’t mean 'clueless husband.'.
• Headline: $15 BilliOn Cut in Federal Budget For 1980 Is Favored by President. Impact: Carter's budget cuts inadvertently funded a secret underground movement of artists who decided to create masterpieces out of recycled materials—leading to the rise of avant-garde art.. Fact: Did you know? Budget cuts are like a bad haircut; they can lead to some unexpected 'creativity'—just ask any struggling artist..
• Headline: PRESIDENT PLANNING NO FURTHER ACTION OVER SOVIET TRIALS. Impact: The decision to not take further action over Soviet trials led to an underground network of dissidents who started a book club to discuss the latest in international espionage—sparking a new genre of thrillers.. Fact: Did you know? Sometimes inaction speaks louder than words—especially when it comes to international diplomacy; it’s like a silent movie without the charm..
• Headline: Chicago Suburb Is ‘Vatican of Evangelicals’. Impact: As Wheaton gained the title of 'Vatican of Evangelicals', it unwittingly started a new trend of urban meccas for niche religions, leading to a surge in quirky tourist destinations—who knew faith could be so profitable?. Fact: Did you know? Wheaton’s rise to fame has made it the go-to spot for people seeking divine inspiration—or just a good selfie with a statue..
• Headline: Details Listed On New Pact For Policemen. Impact: The details of the new police pact were so mundane that they led to a nationwide movement of citizens demanding excitement in local governance—prompting a series of flash mob debates.. Fact: Did you know? Contracts can be thrilling if you squint hard enough—just like watching paint dry can be a nail-biting drama..
• Headline: Art People. Impact: Owen Morrel's sculpture sparked a new wave of urban art installations, leading to the phenomenon of 'artistic real estate development'—where property values skyrocketed based on the proximity to weird sculptures.. Fact: Did you know? Steel sculptures can be a great way to express feelings—like ‘I’m too broke to buy real art, but this will do!’.
• Headline: P.B.A.'s Delegate Assembly Votes To Endorse 2- Year Pact With City. Impact: The P.B.A.'s endorsement of the 2-year pact created a template for future negotiations, inspiring unions everywhere to adopt the phrase 'let's just agree to disagree'—which totally fixes everything.. Fact: Did you know? Endorsing a pact is just fancy talk for 'we’ll be back in two years to complain about the same things!'.