JULY 17, 1978

Full News Archive

• Headline: Nubian Art Exhibition Launches in Brooklyn. Impact: The Nubian art exhibit sparks an unexpected revival of interest in ancient civilizations, leading to a global trend of hipster archeology. By 2035, you'll find artisanal tombs and craft mummies in every downtown area.. Fact: Nubian art is so old that if it were a person, it would be eligible for social security—if only it could fill out the paperwork..
• Headline: Carter's Economic Summit in Bonn. Impact: Carter's economic summit leads to an international 'who can out-bore the other' competition, resulting in a global increase in coffee consumption and the invention of the snooze button.. Fact: Economics summits are basically the adult version of kids playing 'who can hold their breath the longest'—but with more paperwork and less fun..
• Headline: Massive Park Planned for Water Gap Region. Impact: The 50,000-acre park becomes the go-to destination for family outings, inadvertently inspiring a series of reality shows about people getting lost in the wilderness, culminating in 'Survivor: Water Gap Edition' by 2025.. Fact: This park is so big that if you got lost in it, you'd probably be more successful in starting a new civilization than finding your way back..
• Headline: Radicals of the 60's, Now ProRressives. Recall Past and Plan for Futures. Impact: The gathering of 600 'radicals' leads to the rise of the hipster movement, where vintage clothing and ironic coffee shops become the new form of activism, overshadowing real issues by 2020.. Fact: Who knew that getting together to reminisce about the '60s would lead to a fashion trend that makes bell-bottoms look like formal wear?.
• Headline: Japanese Tangerines And Fate of Trade Talks. Impact: The trade talks around tangerines lead to the development of a new citrus cartel, where fruit becomes the most sought-after currency, causing a global citrus crisis by 2030.. Fact: If this trade talk fails, you might find yourself paying exorbitant prices for a simple orange—because nothing says 'economic warfare' like fruit..
• Headline: Crime Rate Growing on Once‐Safe Upper East Side. Impact: The rising crime rate on the Upper East Side inadvertently leads to the invention of luxury home security systems, resulting in a multi-billion dollar industry that thrives on paranoia.. Fact: The Upper East Side was once so safe that the biggest crime was forgetting to tip your doorman—now, it's like a scene from a thriller movie..
• Headline: Coast Minister in Protest Stages Own Crucifixion. Impact: Rev Willie Dicks' self-crucifixion inspires a wave of extreme protest methods, leading to an annual 'Extreme Protest Olympics' by 2028—complete with judges and scorecards.. Fact: If you think modern protests are extreme, just wait until you see what these folks come up with next—next year's theme: 'Crucifixion and Karaoke.'.
• Headline: Invitation to Smith of Rhodesia Is Tricky Issue for U.S.. Impact: The invitation to Prime Minister Smith leads to a diplomatic fiasco, causing the U.S. to accidentally host a series of awkward dinners that become the basis for a hit sitcom in the '80s.. Fact: Inviting controversial leaders to dinner is the political equivalent of playing with fire while blindfolded—who knew it could also fill a TV schedule?.