JULY 8, 1978

Full News Archive

• Headline: Celtics and Braves Franchise Switch Approved. Impact: If the Celtics-Braves switch hadn't happened, the Boston franchise might have been forced to relocate to a parallel universe where basketball is played with a soccer ball and the players wear tutus. Remember that next time you see a dunk contest. Fact: The NBA was almost called the 'BBA' (Bouncing Ball Association) until someone realized that sounded like a toddler's playgroup.
• Headline: Tensions Escalate Between Israel and Syria. Impact: This military buildup led to a series of future conflicts that could be traced to a Syrian general's unfortunate choice of words in a meeting, which was poorly translated into Hebrew. Who knew miscommunication could have such explosive results?. Fact: Israel and Syria have been at odds for decades, proving that sometimes neighbors just can’t agree on the best place to put their fences.
• Headline: Exploring 'To Dance' by Valery Panov. Impact: Kisselgoff's review of 'To Dance' might have inspired a dance craze that swept through the 80s, leading to a disastrous reality show where people attempted to dance on roller skates. Spoiler alert: there were many broken bones. Fact: The only thing more painful than a bad review is watching someone attempt to dance who clearly skipped the last few steps of their lessons.
• Headline: No Commercials for Affirmed. Impact: The Wolfsons' refusal to sell commercials for Affirmed sent shockwaves through the advertising world, creating a black hole where creativity and financial sense collided, resulting in a series of bizarre infomercials for products nobody wanted. Fact: Rejecting commercial offers is like getting a box of chocolates that you can’t eat—sweet in theory but ultimately disappointing.
• Headline: ‘Pins and Needles,’ Musical, Is Staged. Impact: The staging of ‘Pins and Needles’ may have single-handedly delayed the rise of a competing musical about knitting, which would have undoubtedly brought about a new era of hipster fashion trends involving yarn-based outfits. Fact: Musicals about sewing can have a surprisingly strong following—just ask anyone who’s ever tried to thread a needle while on stage.
• Headline: Down by the Louisiana Shore. Impact: Jonny Lerner’s article on Louisiana's coastline sparked environmental movements that led to an increase in eco-tourism, ultimately resulting in a bizarre trend of tourists taking 'mud baths' in oil-contaminated waters. Progress, people. Fact: Oil spills have a unique ability to generate both environmental disaster and a strange sense of adventure among thrill-seeking tourists.
• Headline: Dawkins Undergoes Surgery. Impact: Dawkins' surgery led to a series of medical advancements that eventually resulted in the invention of a robotic arm that can throw a perfect spiral. A moment of silence for all the pass attempts that went tragically wrong. Fact: Surgeries often have unintended consequences—like becoming a cautionary tale for those who think they can outrun their doctor’s recommendations.
• Headline: Central Park Ramble Becomes the Scene of Hunt for Gang. Impact: The intensified police patrols in Central Park not only failed to catch the gang but inadvertently led to an increase in joggers mistaking their own shadows for criminals. Who needs a gym membership when you can run from imaginary threats?. Fact: Central Park was once considered a tranquil escape from the city, before it became a real-life episode of 'Cops.'.
• Headline: Soviet Launches Rocket Carrying Salyut 6 Cargo. Impact: The launch of Progress 2 changed the trajectory of space missions, leading to a future where astronauts are regularly greeted with pizza delivery in orbit. Forget about 'Houston, we have a problem'—now it's 'Houston, we have a pizza party!'. Fact: Salyut 6 was a Soviet space station, proving that even in space, they were still trying to outdo each other with their culinary skills.
• Headline: Ratification of City's Transit Pact Blocked in Court by Dissident Unit. Impact: The court blocking the transit pact created a ripple effect that led to more protests and a public fascination with transit systems, eventually resulting in a dystopian future where everyone rides hoverboards instead of subways. Thanks, court!. Fact: Transit disputes are the perfect way to ruin a city’s vibe while simultaneously making residents experts in legal jargon.