JUNE 15, 1978

Full News Archive

• Headline: Exploring Maugham's Literary Legacy. Impact: Maugham's recollections inspire a line of self-help books that suggest talking to your past selves. This leads to an unexpected rise in therapy sessions, and eventually, a new trend of 'time therapy' where people pay to argue with their younger selves.. Fact: Did you know that W. Somerset Maugham had a knack for being in the right place at the right time? He could probably write a memoir just about all the times he dodged a bad dinner party..
• Headline: Private Planes in Political Campaigns. Impact: The use of private planes in politics sets off a chain reaction where politicians start using blimps for their campaigns. This leads to the bizarre phenomenon of 'airborne debates' where candidates float above their audience, literally and figuratively.. Fact: Private planes in politics? What a novel concept. Next, they'll be using hoverboards and drones. Can't wait for the debate that takes place mid-air..
• Headline: Religious Zionist Advocates Land Compromise. Impact: This call for compromise sparks a secret society of religious leaders who form a 'Negotiation Nation'. They meet in basements to discuss how to get along, leading to an underground movement that influences world peace... or at least a really great potluck.. Fact: Prof. Uriel Simon's argument could have saved a lot of trouble. If only they had just offered some pizza and a movie instead of occupying lands!.
• Headline: The New York Times/D. Gorton. Impact: D. Gorton becomes an unlikely celebrity after this article goes viral, leading to a series of bizarre fan meet-and-greets where people show up dressed as newspaper clippings.. Fact: D. Gorton? More like D. Gonna be famous! Who knew being illustrated could lead to such fame? Time to dust off that old drawing pad..
• Headline: Editor To Be Envoy to Netherlands. Impact: This ambassadorship leads to a diplomatic crisis when the new ambassador shows up in clogs, leading to an international 'fashion summit' that somehow resolves issues no one thought were related to footwear.. Fact: Ambassadors to the Netherlands must be prepared for clogs and cheese. It's a requirement, right? Just kidding, but wouldn't that make international relations more interesting?.
• Headline: William Robert Fraad, Chairman Of Top Allied Maintenance Panel. Impact: Fraad's leadership leads to a bizarre trend where maintenance panels start getting elected, culminating in the first-ever Maintenance Panel Olympics, where teams compete to fix things with maximum efficiency.. Fact: William Robert Fraad could probably fix a toaster with the same ease he fixes panel issues. Too bad toasters don't have a 'top maintenance' category in the Olympics!.
• Headline: BUSINESS Digest. Impact: The Republican State Committee meeting accidentally inspires a new reality show called 'Real Politicians of New York', which somehow becomes more popular than actual politics.. Fact: You know it's a slow news day when the highlights of a committee meeting make the BUSINESS Digest. What's next, a segment on stapler maintenance?.
• Headline: New YorK, Art Lender. Impact: NYC's cultural institutions lending their talents leads to a nationwide trend where every city starts competing to prove their cultural worth, resulting in bizarre festivals dedicated to everything from cheese rolling to competitive knitting.. Fact: Wisconsin gets NYC's expertise? Great! Just what they need—more advice on how to make cheese curds fashionable. Cheese is already at the top of the fashion pyramid!.
• Headline: WEST TO GIVE ZAIRE 3‐MONTH AID PACKAGE. Impact: This welfare case becomes a national sensation, leading to a reality show about welfare recipients that somehow manages to raise awareness and funds, transforming the welfare system overnight.. Fact: Surrendering in a big welfare case? Now there's a plot twist worthy of a daytime soap opera. 'As the Welfare Turns', anyone?.
• Headline: Woman Surrenders In Big Welfare Case.