MAY 4, 1978

Full News Archive

• Headline: Energy Plea on Sun Day Initiative. Impact: If Camden's police station had been powered by the sun back then, we might have had a solar-powered time machine by now—think of the 'green' crimes we could have solved!. Fact: In a shocking twist, solar energy actually works better than the dark ages of fossil fuels. Who knew?.
• Headline: Spy Trial Evidence Unveiled. Impact: The revelation of that 'top secret' memo led to an increase in public library attendance, as everyone suddenly cared about reading what was once classified. Thanks, Truong!. Fact: In the world of espionage, 'top secret' is just a fancy way of saying 'we forgot to delete this from the archives.'.
• Headline: Juilliard Premieres 20th-Century Compositions. Impact: Those premieres at Juilliard paved the way for the rise of hipster music festivals, where obscure instruments now have their own fan clubs. Thanks, Betsy and Milko!. Fact: Juilliard is known for producing musicians who are 90% talent and 10% pretentiousness..
• Headline: A Belfast Tradition Falls in Mayoral Vote. Impact: David Cook's election marked a significant shift in Belfast politics, leading to a future where mayors might actually represent the majority. What a concept!. Fact: In a shocking development, not all mayors have to be from the same party. Who would have thought?.
• Headline: Dance: ‘Quixote’ By Baryshnikov. Impact: Baryshnikov’s interpretation of Don Quixote inspired countless aspiring dancers to chase after windmills, literally and metaphorically, in their careers.. Fact: In the ballet world, 'dancing like Don Quixote' is code for 'falling over a lot while looking heroic.'.
• Headline: MONDALE, IN MANILA, SEES MARCOS CRITIC. Impact: Mondale's meeting with critics of Marcos might have inadvertently set the stage for future politicians to believe that human rights can be discussed over a buffet lunch.. Fact: Meeting with critics is a politician's version of 'I swear I read the manual before assembling this IKEA furniture.'.
• Headline: Kerr‐McGee's Profit for Quarter Declined by 30% to $17.7 Million. Impact: The decline in profits led to the creation of new budget cuts, which eventually resulted in the invention of the microwave meal—a true culinary revolution!. Fact: A profit decline of 30% is just corporate speak for 'we're going to have to serve instant noodles at the next board meeting.'.
• Headline: Vast Iceberg Drifting In the South Atlantic. Impact: That iceberg’s slow drift could have inspired a documentary series on the life of icebergs, bringing environmental awareness to the masses—if only someone had thought to film it!. Fact: Penguins are the only creatures who can make an iceberg look like a trendy vacation spot..
• Headline: Ivey McCray's Run'ers’ Is Staged. Impact: This play may have sparked a renaissance of community theater, where local actors believe they can achieve Broadway fame with just a few more rehearsals.. Fact: The more you fail at community theater, the closer you get to becoming a reality TV star. It's practically a career path!.
• Headline: Electricians Union Reaches Tentative Pact to End Strike. Impact: The resolution of this strike led to a surge in DIY home improvement shows, where everyone suddenly believed they could be their own electrician. Spoiler alert: they couldn't.. Fact: In the world of electricians, a 'tentative pact' is just a fancy way of saying, 'Let's not blow anything up... yet.'.