APRIL 18, 1978

Full News Archive

• Headline: Controversy Surrounds Shapp's Pennsylvania Legacy. Impact: If Shapp hadn't been such a hot mess, maybe Pennsylvania would have become the new California—sunny, perfect, and devoid of political scandals. But alas, here we are, still stuck in the 'No, really, it could be worse!' phase.. Fact: Did you know that in a state where public officials keep getting indicted, the weather forecast is just as unpredictable? It's the only place where the sun could shine, and it still rains corruption..
• Headline: Supreme Court Debates Grand Central Landmark Status. Impact: If the Supreme Court had decided differently, we might have had a Grand Central that resembled a giant parking lot instead of a historic landmark. Just imagine the Instagram posts of parking garages instead of architectural wonders.. Fact: Did you know that Grand Central Terminal has a whispering gallery? It’s the only place where you can hear secrets without anyone knowing. Too bad they weren’t whispering about this landmark designation!.
• Headline: Confrontation Between MOVE and Authorities. Impact: The confrontation with MOVE could have led to a peaceful resolution, but instead, it turned into a flashpoint for police-community relations. Who knew barricading yourself in could lead to a public relations disaster?. Fact: Did you know that MOVE was founded on the principles of a radical lifestyle? Because nothing says 'let's live in harmony' like barricading yourself from the world for a year..
• Headline: Soviet U.N. Official Is Reported To Have Met U.S. Agents in Past. Impact: Shevchenko's meetings could have sparked a new era of U.S.-Soviet relations, but instead, it just proved that spies are really just terrible at keeping secrets. Thanks for that, guys.. Fact: Did you know that espionage often involves more paperwork than you’d think? It’s less James Bond and more 'can you sign this confidentiality agreement?'.
• Headline: Carter and Aides Conclude Session. Impact: Carter's sessions could have been revolutionary, but instead they were just another reminder that politics often leads to more meetings about meetings. The real revolution? Coffee breaks.. Fact: Did you know that the average politician spends more time in meetings than they do actually solving problems? It's almost like they’re trying to perfect the art of procrastination..
• Headline: About Newyork. Impact: The family reunion in Brooklyn could have inspired a new reality show about family dynamics, but instead, it’s just another reminder that everyone’s family has that one weird uncle.. Fact: Did you know that Brooklyn has more family reunions per square foot than anywhere else? It’s practically a requirement to hold one in order to maintain your Brooklynite status!.
• Headline: Macchiarola, Koch Choice, Named Chancellor by Board of Education. Impact: Macchiarola's appointment could have led to a glorious educational renaissance, but instead, it was just another cog in Mayor Koch's machine of dubious decision-making. Education? More like 'Edumacation'.. Fact: Did you know that being a Chancellor of Education is like being the captain of a sinking ship? You can steer it all you want, but the water's still coming in!.
• Headline: The Legal Profession Is Absorbing an Influx of Women. Impact: The influx of women into the legal profession could have led to a more balanced justice system, but instead, it just meant more lawyers to bill you by the hour. Hooray for progress!. Fact: Did you know that the term 'lawyer' is derived from the Latin word for 'to bill'? Okay, I made that up, but it feels true, doesn’t it?.
• Headline: Puerto Rico Line Suspends Flights After Suspected Sabotage Incident. Impact: The suspension of flights could have led to a new travel revolution, but instead, it just grounded a bunch of vacationers who were probably just trying to escape to the beach. Sorry, not sorry!. Fact: Did you know that the airline industry is the only place where you can be charged for everything, including breathing? Welcome to the future of travel!.
• Headline: House Committee Rebuffs 2 Reforms In Carter Tax Bill. Impact: The House Committee's rejection of tax reforms could have inspired a new wave of fiscal responsibility, but instead, it just reaffirmed that Congress is allergic to change. Who needs progress anyway?. Fact: Did you know that voting against tax reforms is the legislative equivalent of saying 'no' to dessert? It’s just rude!.