APRIL 14, 1978

Full News Archive

• Headline: Carter's Judicial Standards Proposal. Impact: Had Carter set those standards, we could have avoided a future filled with judges who think 'interpret' means 'make it up as I go along.' Imagine a world where legal decisions weren't influenced by personal whims—oh wait, that would be boring.. Fact: Did you know that every time Congress asks a president to set standards, a unicorn sheds a tear? It's true; they can't handle the pressure..
• Headline: Doubts Rise Over Conrail's Profitability. Impact: O'Neal's doubts about Conrail's profitability set off a series of 'I told you so' parties across the nation. Railroads became the poster child for 'the road to bankruptcy is paved with good intentions.'. Fact: Did you know that railroads were once considered the backbone of America? Now they’re more like the spine that needs a good chiropractor..
• Headline: JAPAN'S STEEL FOUND HURTING U.S. MAKERS. Impact: Raising duties on Japanese steel marked the beginning of a decades-long game of economic whack-a-mole, where every solution created new problems, like a bad sequel that just keeps getting worse.. Fact: Did you know that steel tariffs are like diet fads? They come and go, but the weight of the issues never really changes..
• Headline: Americans’ Support for Israel Declines, a Poll Finds. Impact: The decline in support led to a political tug-of-war that would have future diplomats working overtime, trying to make peace while the public opinion pendulum swung wildly like a toddler in a candy store.. Fact: Did you know that public opinion polls are the adult version of asking a group of children what their favorite ice cream flavor is? The answers change every five minutes..
• Headline: The Type of Attack Affects Rape Victims’ Speed of Recovery, Study Shows. Impact: This study highlighted the psychological complexities of trauma, leading to more tailored support services that would eventually inspire a global movement for victim rights—a silver lining in an utterly dark cloud.. Fact: It's a sad reality, but understanding trauma can be as complex as trying to explain why a cat knocks things off tables—there's no clear answer..
• Headline: Auctions. Impact: The comprehensive sale of photographs at Swann Galleries initiated a frenzy for collectibles that would eventually lead to people bidding on anything from old socks to celebrity hair—because who doesn’t want to own a piece of someone else’s trash?. Fact: Did you know that auctioneers often speak faster than politicians during a debate? At least at auctions, you actually get something for your money..
• Headline: Towns Employing Innovative Steps To Cut Vandalism in Their Schools. Impact: The innovative steps taken by these towns led to an explosion of creative anti-vandalism methods, including the infamous 'paint it pink' initiative that inadvertently turned schools into pastel nightmares.. Fact: Did you know that the best way to deter vandalism is to make sure your town looks like a scene from a 90s sitcom? Apparently, nostalgia is the ultimate crime prevention..
• Headline: Opening of Atlantic City Casino Facing Week's Delay, to May 26. Impact: The delay in opening sparked a wave of disappointment that would lead to an increase in desperate gambling strategies, including betting on the weather and the outcome of cat videos.. Fact: Did you know that casinos are like adult playgrounds? Except instead of slides, they have slot machines, and instead of swings, they have high-stakes poker tables that could ruin your weekend..