MARCH 28, 1978

Full News Archive

• Headline: F-4J Fighter Crash on Midway Island. Impact: The F-4J crash set off a chain reaction of aviation safety regulations that led to the invention of the inflatable cockpit. Of course, it was never used because pilots were too busy trying to figure out how to deploy parachutes in a nose-dive.. Fact: Did you know that landing on Midway is so tricky, they once considered hiring a circus to train pilots in acrobatics?.
• Headline: Mysterious Giraffe Collapse at Tel Aviv Zoo. Impact: The giraffe's collapse sparked a worldwide crisis in zoo management, leading to the creation of 'Giraffe Yoga' classes which, surprisingly, became a hit among stressed-out urbanites. Who knew giraffes could be such trendsetters?. Fact: Fun fact: Giraffes actually have a unique way of communicating—just like humans, they often collapse under stress!.
• Headline: ,Record Number Of WornenEnter Divinity Schools. Impact: The increase in women entering divinity schools led to an explosion of female-centered spiritual movements. This, in turn, inspired an entire reality TV genre focused on 'Reality Pastors,' proving that divine intervention can also be quite entertaining.. Fact: Did you know that the Salvation Army almost started a rock band called 'Salvation Sound' but decided it was more divine to just stick to philanthropy?.
• Headline: New Clue May Help To Reduce Hepatitis. Impact: The isolation of hepatitis cause led to a monumental leap in medical research, ultimately resulting in the creation of a 'Hepatitis-Free' world. Unfortunately, people still found a way to get sick from kale smoothies.. Fact: Did you know that chimpanzees are the most effective test subjects for hepatitis research because they can’t complain about it? Talk about a win-win!.
• Headline: Cleveland Mayor Under Attack Over Chief's Ouster. Impact: Kucinich's political crisis ignited a series of scandalous mayoral firings across the nation, leading to the creation of a new political movement: 'Mayors Against Being Fired.' They meet every Tuesday, but the attendance is a bit low.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing worse than a political scandal is trying to explain it to your grandma at Thanksgiving?.
• Headline: Around the Nation. Impact: The rise in stolen cars led to a surge in the car theft prevention industry, resulting in the invention of 'smart keys' that are so complicated, even the owners forget how to use them. Thanks, technology!. Fact: Did you know that in some parts of the world, car theft is considered a competitive sport? Too bad they don’t get medals for it!.
• Headline: Metropolitan Briefs. Impact: The push to abolish the NYC Water Supply Board led to a nationwide trend of overhauling useless government bodies, ultimately resulting in a new reality show called 'Government Makeover: Edition.' Spoiler alert: it's still a disaster.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing worse than a useless government board is a useless government board meeting? They could use a good dose of caffeine!.