MARCH 22, 1978

Full News Archive

• Headline: Cyrus Eaton's New Role in Business Leadership. Impact: Cyrus S Eaton steps down, triggers a series of events that leads to a reality where people start thinking 'honorary' titles are a great way to avoid real work. This eventually inspires a new trend: the 'honorary influencer' who posts motivational quotes while doing nothing.. Fact: Cyrus S Eaton was so influential that he could probably convince a rock to join a committee..
• Headline: Flynt's Challenging Medical Decision. Impact: Removing Flynt from a respirator sends shockwaves through the medical field, leading to the creation of the first 'Respirator Removal Support Group,' which ironically becomes a popular podcast.. Fact: Most people don't know that removing someone from a respirator is not the same as taking them off your holiday card list..
• Headline: California Supreme Court Extradition Ruling. Impact: The California Supreme Court's ruling creates a loophole that allows more American Indian Movement leaders to play hide-and-seek with the law, leading to the invention of the first 'Lawyer's GPS' designed to find them in a game of legal tag.. Fact: Edmund G Brown Jr's refusal to extradite Banks became a legendary tale, inspiring countless debates on whether or not the 'long arm of the law' should have elbows..
• Headline: TALK CALLED SERIOUS. Impact: Carter's insistence on 'historic decisions' results in a chain reaction that leads to the first-ever 'Presidential Decision-Making Board Game,' which adds a new level of excitement to political discussions.. Fact: If you think negotiating with Begin was hard, just wait until you see him try to decide on a restaurant for lunch!.
• Headline: The Circus Is in Town, With Elephants, Lions And the Old Hoopla. Impact: The arrival of the circus in NYC inadvertently leads to a mass movement of people seeking jobs as clowns, resulting in an unusual spike in the number of birthday parties that go horribly wrong.. Fact: The Ringling Bros and Barnum & Bailey Circus was famously known for their 'no refunds' policy, which is still upheld by many modern-day politicians..
• Headline: BRITAIN GIVES PLAN TO USE OIL REVENUES TO UPLIFT INDUSTRY. Impact: Britain's oil revenue plan sparks a global trend of countries trying to use natural resources for economic uplift, inadvertently leading to a worldwide shortage of oil tycoons who have something to complain about.. Fact: The phrase 'money can't buy happiness' was invented shortly after this plan, as the British realized that even oil couldn't fix a bad cup of tea..
• Headline: ANKER ACTS TO RAISE DIPLOMA STANDARDS. Impact: Anker's diploma standards proposal inadvertently leads to a new trend where students start reading textbooks as a form of high-stakes competition, resulting in the first 'Textbook Olympics.'. Fact: If reading at a 9th-grade level was a sport, many would still be sitting in the bleachers..
• Headline: Anderson Wins in Illinois Primary; Other Campaigns Pull Few Votes. Impact: Anderson's primary win sends shockwaves through the political landscape, leading to a new trend: flooding the competition with literal flood metaphors, which becomes the go-to strategy for future campaigns.. Fact: Winning a primary in Illinois is like winning a goldfish at a carnival—everyone congratulates you, but deep down, you're just hoping it doesn't float belly up..
• Headline: Carey and Albany Leaders Agree To Reduce Taxes by $750 Million. Impact: Carey's tax reduction leads to the bizarre phenomenon of citizens suddenly feeling richer and more generous, resulting in flash mobs of spontaneous donations to questionable charity causes.. Fact: The only thing more confusing than tax reductions is trying to explain them to your relatives during Thanksgiving dinner..