MARCH 7, 1978

Full News Archive

• Headline: New Marine Corps General Appointed. Impact: Lt Gen Robert H Barrow’s promotion was the spark that ignited a secret society within the Marine Corps, dedicated to ensuring that all generals had at least one particularly dramatic mustache. This led to a 30% increase in mustache-related injuries during training exercises. Fact: Did you know that 'Barrow' is actually a type of fish? Just imagine the General with a fishing rod instead of a rifle!.
• Headline: Associated Press Arrives in Washington, DC. Impact: The arrival of the AP in Washington, DC set off a chain reaction where every news outlet felt the need to one-up each other, leading to an absurd competition where headlines became longer and more convoluted until they were just a series of hashtags. Fact: Did you know that the Associated Press was once just a group of reporters who decided they could make headlines up? Turns out they were better at it than most.
• Headline: ‘Tangled Web’ In Industry,Too. Impact: Shabecoff's analysis led to a government-wide initiative to untangle the 'tangled web,' resulting in a new job title—'Professional Web Untangler'—which was ironically just a person who made more webs. Fact: Did you know that 'tangled webs' are actually the reason why most government offices have so many spiders? They’re trying to spin a more efficient bureaucracy.
• Headline: Doctor Who Opposed Life‐Supports Termed Suicide Victim With Wife. Impact: This tragic event led to a nationwide conversation about mental health and the support systems for those in the medical profession, eventually resulting in the creation of 'Support Groups for Overworked Doctors' where the first rule was 'No medical jargon allowed.'. Fact: Did you know that the first support group for doctors accidentally turned into a knitting circle? Apparently, they found that yarn was less stressful than surgery.
• Headline: Sit‐In at Pennsylvania U. Ends. Impact: The sit-in led to the establishment of 'Student Power' as a force in universities nationwide, eventually resulting in an annual 'Sit-In Olympics' where students competed to see who could protest the loudest without actually changing anything. Fact: Did you know that the longest sit-in in history was actually just students waiting for the cafeteria to serve pizza? Priorities, right?.
• Headline: Carter Is Forced to Consider Impact on U.S.‐Soviet Relations of a Failure to Reach New Arms Pact. Impact: President Carter's considerations on arms pacts led to a secret handshake between the U.S. and the USSR that, when discovered, was used as the basis for the popular children's game 'Red Rover,' with countries lining up to challenge each other. Fact: Did you know that if world leaders took up hopscotch instead of arms negotiations, we'd probably have a much happier planet? Just saying.
• Headline: Iranian Says His Nation Will Defend Somalia If Ethiopia Invades. Impact: Iran's declaration of defense for Somalia led to an unexpected alliance that saw the creation of an elite task force known as the 'Horn of Africa Avengers,' who operated under the motto: 'Not all heroes wear capes; some wear turbans and camo.'. Fact: Did you know that when Iran said they would defend Somalia, they were actually just trying to make sure their favorite coffee blend was protected? True story!.