FEBRUARY 17, 1978

Full News Archive

• Headline: Brecht's 'Man Is Man' Premieres at Yale. Impact: This Brechtian production at Yale opened the floodgates for pretentious college theater majors everywhere, leading to a world where students think they can change the world by just wearing berets and quoting existentialist philosophers over overpriced lattes.. Fact: Bertolt Brecht once said, 'Art is not a mirror held up to reality, but a hammer with which to shape it.' So, if you're still holding a mirror, you might want to consider getting a tool belt..
• Headline: Maazel's Mastery at Carnegie Hall. Impact: Lorin Maazel's vigorous conducting at Carnegie Hall inspired countless air guitarists to start wielding imaginary batons, leading to a rise in imaginary orchestras across the globe. The world may never recover from the chaos of their poorly timed crescendos.. Fact: Maazel once conducted a concert while simultaneously playing a game of chess. Spoiler alert: he won both!.
• Headline: Bravo, Claudio: Art Exploration Unveiled. Impact: The moral vision of this art review influenced future generations to believe that deep, meaningful art must always be accompanied by a snazzy outfit and an obscure backstory, leading to the rise of Instagram influencers posing in front of paintings.. Fact: Claudio's paintings are known for their unique 'mannered style,' which is really just a fancy way of saying they don't quite know what they're doing..
• Headline: ndia Land Fight roughening Will if Untouchables. Impact: The land fight in India sparked a series of protests leading to a global trend of land reclamation, where people everywhere began to demand their rightful ownership of the land they never cared about until social media made it trendy.. Fact: The term 'Untouchables' was historically used in the caste system, but nowadays, most people just untouch each other at parties due to social distancing..
• Headline: Ex‐President Is Accused of Initiating Break‐In at the Watergate. Impact: Haldeman's revelations about Watergate not only solidified the idea that politics is just a fancy term for a high-stakes soap opera but also inspired future politicians to double down on their 'it wasn't me' defense strategies, which are still being perfected today.. Fact: Watergate was so scandalous that it even inspired a new genre of television shows: 'political drama'—because who doesn't love a good scandal?.
• Headline: Opera: ‘Grand Duchess’. Impact: The performance of 'Grand Duchess' at Eastside Playhouse reminded audiences that opera could be both entertaining and incomprehensible, leading to a renaissance of opera-themed drinking games. Spoiler: no one remembers the lyrics.. Fact: 'Grand Duchess of Gerolstein' is actually a political satire, which means it's like today's news, but with more singing and less tweeting..
• Headline: Mexican‐Made Laetrile Is Found Unfit for Man by Cancer Institute. Impact: The National Cancer Institute's findings about laetrile being unfit for man led to a surge in conspiracy theories about alternative medicines, creating a never-ending cycle of distrust in science that continues to this day.. Fact: Laetrile is derived from apricot pits, which means if you ever see someone munching on apricot pits, you might want to ask them if they're trying to cure their cancer or just enjoying a really bad snack..
• Headline: U.S. MISSION TO SEEK BETTER ETHIOPIA TIES. Impact: The U.S. diplomatic mission to Ethiopia resulted in a series of misunderstandings that would eventually lead to an entire generation of confused college students trying to major in 'Ethiopian Relations' without knowing where Ethiopia even is.. Fact: Diplomatic missions often involve more snacks than serious discussions. So, if you're ever in a high-stakes negotiation, just remember: cookies can solve anything!.
• Headline: REP. FLOOD'S FRIENDS SAID TO AID 2 IN TRIAL. Impact: The ethics inquiry into Rep. Flood's friends opened the door for politicians everywhere to start treating ethics committees like a game of dodgeball, where the only goal is to avoid getting hit by accountability.. Fact: 32 representatives signing a letter sounds impressive until you realize it’s only half the number needed to form a decent poker game..