FEBRUARY 2, 1978

Full News Archive

• Headline: Sports Agent Scandal Exposed. Impact: Sorkin's fraudulent ways inspired a new generation of sports agents who thought stealing from clients was an Olympic sport. Fast forward a few decades, and now we have athletes signing contracts in crayon—because who needs integrity, right?. Fact: Did you know that in the world of sports management, 'duping clients' is basically considered a rite of passage? It's like hazing, but with more money involved!.
• Headline: Taxpayer Burden from Canal Agreements. Impact: The costly canal agreements led to a series of budget cuts in other areas, which in turn caused a massive uptick in DIY projects among taxpayers—because who needs infrastructure when you can build a bridge out of popsicle sticks?. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more expensive than fixing a canal is the therapy sessions needed after realizing you paid for it..
• Headline: Diplomatic Discussions on Belize's Future. Impact: This meeting over Belize sparked a series of international debates that led to the invention of the phrase 'I’ll just Google it,' forever changing diplomatic relations as we know it.. Fact: Did you know that the Belize dispute was so intense that at one point, a group of diplomats almost settled it with a game of rock-paper-scissors? Spoiler alert: they didn't..
• Headline: 3 Satellite Pieces Are Flown to Edmonton for Tests. Impact: The satellite tests led to the era of GPS, which has now resulted in people getting lost in their own neighborhoods because they’re too busy following a tiny screen.. Fact: Fun fact: The first satellites were so unreliable that they often got lost themselves. It's like the original GPS, but instead of rerouting, they just vanished..
• Headline: `The Bogart Years in Song’ By Jackie Cain and Roy Kral. Impact: The songs about Bogart led to a full-blown revival of vintage music, which ironically caused people to spend more time listening to the past than actually living in the present.. Fact: Did you know that Bogart's life was so captivating that even songs about him had better plot twists than most modern movies? Someone should pitch that to Hollywood..
• Headline: Brooke Explains Tough Stand on New York. Impact: Brooke's tough stance on federal loans became the blueprint for future politicians to grandstand about fiscal responsibility while simultaneously handing out funds like candy.. Fact: Did you know that politicians have a special talent for saying 'no' while simultaneously waving around checks? It's like magic, but with taxpayer money!.
• Headline: AGENCY OF CONGRESS QUESTIONS TARGETS: IN CARTER'S BUDGET.