FEBRUARY 1, 1978

Full News Archive

• Headline: Albany Committee Postpones Posner Confirmation. Impact: Had Posner been confirmed, he might have ushered in an era of labor rights that would have baffled employers for decades, possibly leading to a utopian society where workers actually had a voice.. Fact: In the world of politics, 'unexpected difficulties' usually just means someone forgot to bribe the right people..
• Headline: NYC's Unexpected Fiscal Surplus Explained. Impact: This mysterious cash balance could have led to NYC becoming a financial hub, but instead, it ended with people scratching their heads and wondering where all the money went—spoiler: it went to overpriced lattes.. Fact: The city's budget is like a magician's hat—pulling money out of nowhere, but no one wants to see how the trick is done..
• Headline: 33 of 195 in a New Port Unit Audit Accused of Faking Their Expenses. Impact: If 33 execs hadn't faked their expenses, we might have seen a renaissance in corporate honesty, leading to a world where CEOs wore 'I Love Transparency' shirts.. Fact: Fake expenses are like glitter—once you get a taste of it, it gets everywhere and there’s no cleaning it up..
• Headline: City Dog: A Mixed Breed. Impact: This article on city dogs might have sparked a canine revolution, leading to leash laws that required dogs to wear sunglasses and carry tiny handbags.. Fact: City dogs are basically just furry roommates who demand food, walks, and a lot of attention—good luck with that!.
• Headline: Reporters Notebook: The News In Housewares. Is Multipurpose. Impact: The obsession with multipurpose products could have led to a dystopian future where everything is a Swiss Army knife, including your toaster.. Fact: Multipurpose items are just a fancy way of saying, 'We couldn’t make up our minds, so here’s everything!'.
• Headline: F.A.A. Challenged to Allow Tests Of Antenna in British‐U.S. Clash. Impact: If the FAA had allowed those antenna tests, we might have seen a new era of air travel where planes could land themselves while passengers relax with a cocktail.. Fact: Barry Goldwater Jr. could have been the next big aviation innovator, or at least a really good lawyer—either way, it would have made great headlines..
• Headline: U.S. EXPECTS DELAY IN SALE OF LEASES ON GEORGES BANK. Impact: Delaying the sale of leases on Georges Bank could have resulted in a seafood shortage that led to an underground market for clam chowder.. Fact: Georges Bank is like the world's oceanic waiting room—everyone’s just sitting around, wondering when their number will be called..
• Headline: Profit Drops 70% In Fourth Quarter For Merrill Lynch. Impact: Merrill Lynch's profit drop could have triggered a financial crisis, resulting in everyone suddenly becoming an amateur stock trader, leading to the rise of very confused day traders.. Fact: A 70% profit drop is like losing a game of Monopoly—everyone's suddenly aware that you're the one who owes rent, and you're not even in jail yet..