JANUARY 28, 1978

Full News Archive

• Headline: Recovery of Lifeboat and Life Jackets. Impact: The recovery of the lifeboat and life jackets led to a surge in 'survivor fitness' trends, causing a bizarre future where people train for shipwrecks in urban swimming pools. Thanks, USCG!. Fact: Life jackets are still the most fashionable way to float, especially at pool parties where people just want to show off their 'safety chic'..
• Headline: Recovering Lost Pets in New York City. Impact: The founding of Petfinders inadvertently triggered a future where pets became social media influencers. Now, dogs and cats rule the internet and charge for endorsements.. Fact: Irving West had no idea that in 20 years, dogs would be making more money than most humans on TikTok. Woof!.
• Headline: Yes, ‘Trees’ Is Popular With the Rotarians. Yes, It's Vulnerable. But, Then.... Impact: Davenport's article on 'Trees' sparked a renaissance of tree-hugging movements, ultimately leading to a world where hugging trees is a competitive sport. Who knew environmentalism could become an Olympic event?. Fact: Despite Kilmer’s poem, trees are still not great conversationalists, but they do provide plenty of shade for deep thoughts..
• Headline: For the Federal Bench, the. Best. Impact: Williams’ push for merit-based judicial appointments eventually led to a reality where judges are selected through a reality TV show called 'America's Next Top Judge'. Spoiler: it's not pretty.. Fact: Judicial robes have never looked so good with glitter and sequins. Who knew justice could be fabulous?.
• Headline: The Value of Westway. Impact: The support for Westway paved the way for future urban planning disasters, where highways and parks became the ultimate playground for architects with questionable vision.. Fact: Westway's legacy includes a bizarre future where parks are built over highways, leading to confused squirrels and lost skateboarders..
• Headline: ILLINOIS HIGH COURT SANCTIONS SWASTIKAS IN NAZI PARTY MARCH. Impact: The Illinois Supreme Court's ruling on swastikas became a pivotal moment in the future where public displays of offensive symbols led to a weird trend of 'offensive art' galleries. Because why not?. Fact: In an ironic twist, swastikas are now used in art classes to teach students about bad design choices. Thanks, Skokie!.
• Headline: German Vehicle Production Up. Impact: Germany's uptick in vehicle production eventually contributed to the rise of 'car culture' where people began to treat their cars like pets. This led to the first-ever 'Car Spa' opened in 2025.. Fact: In 10 years, you'll be able to adopt a car from a shelter. Just remember, they all come with a maintenance fee!.
• Headline: SATELLITE RADIATION NOW HELD UNLIKELY. Impact: Adm Falls' dismissal of satellite radiation fears led to future generations believing they could survive anything, including the apocalypse, with just a tin foil hat and a sense of denial.. Fact: To this day, some conspiracy theorists believe that satellite remnants are just a cover-up for secret government candy factories. Sweet!.