JANUARY 15, 1978

Full News Archive

• Headline: DelBello Revamps Waste Disposal Proposal. Impact: DelBello's proposal for waste disposal led to the establishment of a highly advanced waste management system that, years later, was hacked by a group of eco-anarchists who ended up creating a movement that popularized sustainable living. Who knew a landfill could lead to a revolution?. Fact: Waste disposal proposals are like bad movies: they keep getting rehashed and somehow people still fall for them..
• Headline: Gwyneth Jones Returns to NYC Concert Scene. Impact: Gwyneth Jones’ resurgence marked the beginning of a trend where aging singers began to market their nostalgia as 'vintage talent,' leading to a bizarre future where antique concerts became the hottest tickets in town.. Fact: In the world of opera, a 'good patch' is not a skincare product, but if it were, Gwyneth would definitely endorse it..
• Headline: New Insights on Insulin Injection Techniques. Impact: The research on diabetes management sparked a global fitness craze where everyone tried to inject insulin in strange places, leading to a bizarre fitness cult that believed in the power of 'leg injections' as a form of yoga.. Fact: Diabetics and their insulin are like a bad relationship: it can be complicated and sometimes needs to be injected in the right spot..
• Headline: Of Shots and Questions. Impact: Burchett's insights on liberation struggles inspired a series of poorly planned protests in various countries that ended with people just taking selfies instead of taking arms. Irony alert!. Fact: Taking to arms sounds noble, but have you tried taking to Twitter? Much easier and less lethal!.
• Headline: Unanswered Questions. Impact: Prof McKemy's lament for the lack of general knowledge among college freshmen led to a nationwide movement for 'General Knowledge Boot Camps,' where students were forced to memorize trivia while trying to avoid social media.. Fact: Failing a quiz in college is basically an expensive way of saying, 'I’d rather be binge-watching Netflix.'.
• Headline: Unreported Income May Cost U.S. Billions in Taxes. Impact: The revelation about unreported income spurred a secret economy that thrived on bartering, leading to a future where people traded avocado toast for artisanal coffee instead of using cash.. Fact: Off-the-books jobs are just like unicorns: everyone talks about them, but no one can prove they exist..
• Headline: For Savings‐Loan Directors, Banks Are Off Limits. Impact: The FTC ruling against savings-loan directors created a wave of distrust in financial institutions that resulted in the rise of neighborhood piggy banks, which became the preferred method of savings for many, especially children.. Fact: When banks are off-limits, it’s basically an invitation for people to start hoarding their change like they’re preparing for the apocalypse..
• Headline: POLITICS DelBello Plugs for Home Rule. Impact: DelBello's push for home rule led to a massive decentralization trend where communities began to govern themselves, ultimately resulting in a bizarre future where every neighborhood had its own 'president' who specialized in BBQs and potlucks.. Fact: Home rule sounds great until you realize it means you have to deal with your neighbor's lawn decorations on a political level..
• Headline: Stabilizing the Dollar. Impact: William E Simon's article on the dollar's decline ignited a conspiracy theory that the dollar was actually an alien currency, leading to a grassroots movement for 'Earth Money' that aimed to replace it with seashells.. Fact: Stabilizing the dollar is like trying to catch a greased pig—everyone's talking about it, but no one really knows how to do it..
• Headline: Hurnphrey's Body Lies in State in Capitol. Impact: Humphrey’s memorial service brought together a diverse group of politicians who ended up forming a 'Humphrey Coalition,' which bizarrely led to a string of bipartisan agreements on ice cream flavors.. Fact: Lying in state is a fancy way of saying someone is taking an extended nap in a very public place. Talk about a sleepover!.