JANUARY 14, 1978

Full News Archive

• Headline: Phila Journal Adjusts Press Run. Impact: The decline in circulation of the Phila Journal led to a shocking realization that not everyone is obsessed with sports. This awakening caused a butterfly effect, leading to the rise of cat videos on the internet. Now, instead of reading about sports, people are glued to their screens watching cats chase laser pointers. Thanks a lot, Phila Journal.. Fact: Did you know that tabloid journalism is where dreams go to die? But hey, at least the cat video industry is thriving!.
• Headline: Hubert Humphrey's Liberal Advocacy Journey. Impact: Humphrey's relentless push for liberalism, despite setbacks, inspired countless future politicians to ignore the concept of 'no' and keep running up that hill. This eventually led to the creation of the phrase 'but did you try really hard?' as a political strategy.. Fact: Did you know that Hubert Humphrey's middle name is Horatio? Because apparently, Hubert wasn't grand enough for him..
• Headline: Roselle Proposes Officiating Enhancements. Impact: The promise of improved officiating led to the invention of the phrase 'We need instant replay!' becoming a staple in living rooms across America, thus paving the way for countless arguments over whether a touchdown was actually a touchdown. Thanks, Roselle!. Fact: Did you know that instant replay was actually invented to give sports fans more reasons to scream at their TVs? You’re welcome!.
• Headline: Bette Midler Opens at Copacabana. Impact: Bette Midler's opening at the Copacabana marked the beginning of an era where every performer believed they could also have a nightclub named after them. This led to disastrous venues like 'The Bob from Accounting Experience' that no one attended.. Fact: Did you know Bette Midler's opening act included a thrilling rendition of 'The Wind Beneath My Wings'? It’s what inspired countless karaoke nights where everyone thinks they can sing..
• Headline: The U.S. North‐South ‘Poor‐Mouth’. Impact: The drive for more Federal aid sparked a new regionalism that ironically caused regions to start competing for the title of 'Most Depressed Area'. This competition is still going strong, with annual awards ceremonies where they all just sit around and lament their existence.. Fact: Did you know that 'poor-mouthing' is a real thing? It’s not just what you do when you’re trying to get your friends to buy you lunch..
• Headline: City Ballet Presents the Premiere Of Balanchine ‘Ballo della Regina’. Impact: The premiere of 'Ballo della Regina' was so inspiring that it made people forget about their everyday problems for a moment. This led to a short-lived belief that ballet could solve world hunger. Spoiler alert: it didn’t.. Fact: Did you know that George Balanchine is often called the 'father of American ballet'? Because clearly, every dad has to take on that role at some point..
• Headline: Books of The Times. Impact: The review of Richard G. Stein's book on architecture and energy sparked debates that were so fiery they could have powered a small town. This led to the creation of book clubs where people pretend to read but mostly just drink wine.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'architecture' comes from the Greek word 'architekton', which literally means 'chief builder'? Not to be confused with 'chief procrastinator', which is what most of us are..
• Headline: Big Government. Impact: Sam D. Millsap Jr.'s article on government bureaucracy sparked a debate that would echo through the halls of power for decades, leading to the phrase 'too many cooks in the kitchen' being redefined to include politicians.. Fact: Did you know that government jobs are often described as 'the most efficient way to do nothing'? They really should put that on the application form..
• Headline: About New York. Impact: Anderson's visit to NYC to test the waters for a gubernatorial race ignited a series of political campaigns based on absolutely nothing but charisma and a good hair day. This is still the modus operandi for many politicians today.. Fact: Did you know that New York is often considered the center of the universe by its residents? They really believe that, which is adorable..