DECEMBER 13, 1977

Full News Archive

• Headline: NATO Investigates Latest Spy Scandal. Impact: NATO's damage evaluation probably resulted in a secret committee dedicated to overanalyzing spy scandals, which in turn led to a global shortage of black turtlenecks and dark sunglasses. Fact: Evaluating damage is just fancy talk for playing the blame game. Spoiler alert: everyone loses.
• Headline: United Press International ABOVE: In Tel Aviv, an airport worker paints “peace” in Arabic and Hebrew on the side of plane that will carry the Israelis to Cairo. LEFT: The conference table is set up at the Mena House near Cairo.. Impact: If this peace initiative had taken off, we might have seen a booming industry in peace-themed merchandise, think ‘peace on a plane’ t-shirts and olive branch keychains. Fact: Painting 'peace' on planes is a clever way to distract from the turbulence of international politics. Just add some glitter for extra effect!.
• Headline: San Francisco Sex Parlors Are Target of Crackdown. Impact: The crackdown on sex parlors might have inadvertently led to a rise in underground operations, giving rise to a new breed of 'covert' entrepreneurs who would later dominate the market with apps. Fact: San Francisco's vice squad is like the annoying parents of the city, trying to keep the fun under control while everyone else is just trying to live their best lives.
• Headline: Kenya BansGame‐Trophy Trade In a Move to Protect Its Wildlife. Impact: Kenya's ban on the game-trophy trade could have inspired a global movement where people trade 'emotional trophies' instead—like that time you survived a Monday without coffee. Fact: Jomo Kenyatta's ban was revolutionary; it’s like telling people they can’t keep their ‘trophy’ pets but instead should adopt a cactus—low maintenance and eco-friendly!.
• Headline: United Press International. Impact: Hodges' illness may have sparked a trend in conspiracy theories about mysterious ailments that befall influential historical figures, leading to a resurgence of amateur detective work. Fact: Illness in the news often leads to wild speculation; perhaps Hodges just needed a vacation, not the public's pity!.
• Headline: Coal Negotiators Reassess Stands. Impact: The coal negotiators' reassessment could have laid the groundwork for future meetings where everyone just sat around in awkward silence until someone finally said, 'So, about those coal mines...'. Fact: Coal negotiations are basically just corporate speed dating—lots of talk about future commitments but no one really wants to commit.
• Headline: The New York Times/Teresa ZabAla. Impact: The formation of the Association of Former Intelligence Officers likely led to a secret society of ex-spies who meet in basements, sharing their best 'I used to be a spy' stories over coffee. Fact: Former spies are just like regular people, except they know way too much about espionage and probably have a few too many stories about their 'top-secret' missions.
• Headline: BELL PROPOSES TO ABOLISH LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCY. Impact: Abolishing the Law Enforcement Assistance Administration could have started a chain reaction leading to a world where law enforcement is powered by social media likes instead of funding. Fact: Replacing a law enforcement agency is kind of like trading a family car for a skateboard; it might seem cool until you realize you can’t carry your groceries home.