NOVEMBER 29, 1977

Full News Archive

• Headline: Support for Imprisoned Medical Professionals. Impact: If only those imprisoned doctors could time travel, they’d probably end up in a world where their skills are revered instead of punished. Imagine a timeline where hospitals are run by the last surviving medics from 2023 and everyone just assumes that's how it’s always been. Spoiler alert: it’s not.. Fact: Amnesty International's list of imprisoned doctors is a reminder that some people still think 'doctor' is a synonym for 'dangerous revolutionary'..
• Headline: FECHOICE Nominee May Withdraw Citing Health. Impact: Johnson's withdrawal from the nomination may have prevented a time paradox where his ill health caused a series of increasingly bizarre political decisions leading to a future where cats run for office. Paws for thought.. Fact: Withdrawing from a political nomination due to health issues is basically the 1980s equivalent of saying, 'I need a nap.'.
• Headline: Dedication of Lipchitz Sculpture at Columbia. Impact: The dedication of Lipchitz's sculpture might have inspired future artists to create even weirder things, which ultimately leads to an art movement where people just throw paint on walls and call it 'expressionism'. Oh wait, that already happened.. Fact: Bellerophon Taming Pegasus is a reminder that even in art, the struggle to ride mythical creatures is a universal theme. And here I thought adulting was hard!.
• Headline: Waldheim Says Pay Reductions Don't Violate Pact. Impact: Waldheim’s denial of violating the collective bargaining agreement is likely to echo through time as future politicians try to redefine 'violation' to suit their needs, paving the way for future generations to redefine 'truth'.. Fact: Collective bargaining agreements are kind of like relationships; if you have to redefine the terms, it’s probably already on the rocks..
• Headline: nts in Soviet ‘ne in the West t Rights Stand. Impact: The accusations by the Soviet Group about Western countries’ silence on human rights could have led to a future where everyone becomes a social media activist. Thank you, 21st century, for the hashtag revolution!. Fact: It’s ironic that the countries who preach about human rights often fail to defend them. Makes you wonder if they just forgot their own cheat sheet..
• Headline: Egypt, Somalia Warn Of Threat by Soviet. Impact: Sadat and Siad Barre's warning about the Soviet threat might have created a timeline where every leader starts seeing shadows of the USSR in their breakfast cereal. Spoiler: it’s just the milk.. Fact: The Horn of Africa is not just a geographical location; it’s also where many political leaders realize that paranoia can actually become a full-time job..
• Headline: Badillo, Ronay Menschel, Paterson and Brown, Investigations Head, Are Expected to Be Named. Impact: The anticipated appointments by Mayor-elect Koch could ripple through time, leading to a future where mayors are chosen based on their ability to juggle and their karaoke skills. Who wouldn’t vote for a mayor who can sing? . Fact: Appointing deputy mayors is like assembling an Avengers team, but instead of saving the world, they just try not to mess up municipal budgets..
• Headline: Study of 17,000 Men Indicates Vigorous Sports Protect Heart. Impact: The study linking vigorous sports to heart protection could inspire a future where everyone believes they can outrun heart disease. Spoiler: you probably can’t outrun a cheeseburger.. Fact: Turns out, vigorous sports are great for your heart—who knew all those days spent in gym class would actually pay off, right?.
• Headline: Landes Alleged to Have Practiced Law Without Having Certification. Impact: Landes practicing law without certification might inspire future lawyers to believe that the 'just wing it' approach is a valid career strategy. Spoiler: it’s not.. Fact: Practicing law without a license is like trying to perform surgery after binge-watching medical dramas—just don’t..
• Headline: Advertising. Impact: Zuspan’s pushback against Fogel’s statement could lead to a future where media agencies are just as competitive as reality shows, with dramatic plot twists and surprise eliminations.. Fact: In the world of advertising, silence can be deafening. Just ask any agency trying to defend their honor against a rival's well-timed press release..