NOVEMBER 1, 1977

Full News Archive

• Headline: Georgia's Corn Crisis Due to Aflatoxin. Impact: The drought and subsequent toxin outbreak in Georgia led to a series of unfortunate crop failures, causing farmers to reconsider their life choices—like maybe not investing everything into corn. This ultimately gave rise to a new generation of hipster gluten-free alternatives that now dominate the market. Thanks, aflatoxin!. Fact: Did you know that aflatoxin is basically the mold's way of saying 'I don't want to be eaten'? It's like the food industry's version of a toxic breakup..
• Headline: Backlash Against Indian Land Claims. Impact: Gerard's appointment as aide to the Interior Secretary led to a cascade of bureaucratic eyebrow-raising, which ultimately resulted in the creation of a new office dedicated to making sure that the government doesn't mess up tribal land claims—because who needs history when you have red tape?. Fact: Did you know that the term 'aide' is just a fancy way of saying 'someone who has to deal with all the fun stuff while others take the credit'?.
• Headline: Berkowitz's Father Is Designated To Manage Killer Suspect's Estate. Impact: With Berkowitz's father managing his estate, a fascinating legal precedent was set, causing future criminal suspects to wonder if they could just hire their parents to handle their messes. Spoiler: it didn't work out well for most.. Fact: Did you know that managing a killer suspect's estate is probably not the career move you want to put on your resume? It's more like a 'How to Lose Friends and Alienate People' masterclass..
• Headline: Strikes at Lockheed and Boeing Are Expected to Be Prolonged. Impact: The prolonged strikes at Lockheed and Boeing led to a nationwide shortage of airplane parts, which in turn prompted the invention of the paper airplane. This sparked an underground movement of competitive paper airplane flying that still haunts corporate offices to this day.. Fact: Did you know that if you put enough paper airplanes together, you could technically build a new aircraft? Not that anyone would want to fly in it, of course..
• Headline: ENERGY TAX MEASURE IS PASSED BY SENATE. Impact: The passing of the energy tax measure created a domino effect that led to a government-wide obsession with energy efficiency, resulting in countless 'eco-friendly' products that charge you more for less. Thanks, bureaucrats!. Fact: Did you know that politicians passing energy bills is like teenagers deciding to clean their rooms? It rarely leads to anything good, and usually results in more clutter..
• Headline: HELMS, EX‐C.I.A. CHIEF, PLEADS NO CONTEST TO 2 MISDEMEANORS. Impact: Helms' no contest plea set off a wave of conspiracy theories about government officials who can't tell the truth, leading to a popular podcast series that has yet to reveal anything new but has a huge following. The real scandal? It’s still more entertaining than most reality TV.. Fact: Did you know that 'no contest' is basically lawyer-speak for 'I'm not admitting anything, but I'm tired of fighting'? It's like the adult version of saying 'I don't want to play anymore.'.
• Headline: San Francisco Voters' Interest Centers on Airport Bond Issue. Impact: The airport bond issue sparked a sudden influx of 'airport lounge' themed bars across the nation, where people could experience the joys of overpriced drinks and uncomfortable seating without ever having to board a plane. Who needs travel?. Fact: Did you know that airport renovations are just an excuse for local governments to spend money on things nobody really asked for? Because nothing screams 'community improvement' like a new terminal for overpriced sushi..
• Headline: U.S. REPORTED READY TO LEAVE THE I. L. O.. Impact: The U.S. threatening to leave the I.L.O. caused other countries to consider their own memberships, leading to a global game of 'who can get out of what' that resulted in a new international sport: bureaucratic dodgeball.. Fact: Did you know that leaving the I.L.O. is a lot like breaking up with a high-maintenance partner? It may seem tempting at first, but you’ll just end up with more drama later..
• Headline: House, in 407‐0 Vote, Urges Seoul To Cooperate in Scandal Inquiry. Impact: The House urging Seoul to cooperate in the scandal inquiry set off a chain reaction of political intrigue, leading to a reality series where politicians compete to cover up their scandals better than anyone else. The ratings were through the roof!. Fact: Did you know that urging cooperation in a scandal inquiry is just a polite way of saying, 'We know you're guilty, but we’d like to hear your excuses anyway'?.