OCTOBER 29, 1977

Full News Archive

• Headline: Citicorp Center's Energy Efficiency. Impact: This energy-efficient tower became the poster child for eco-friendly buildings. Fast forward a few decades, and we've got skyscrapers sprouting solar panels like they're fashion accessories, all thanks to this one tower that decided it didn't want to be a glutton.. Fact: In the future, people will be so obsessed with energy efficiency that they’ll have energy-saving contests—like who can power their home with just a potato..
• Headline: Impact of Terrorism on Business Executives. Impact: As executives began altering their lifestyles, the trend of 'executive retreats' emerged. These retreats eventually turned into bizarre 'trust fall' exercises in the middle of nowhere—a perfect distraction from the real world, or just an excuse to avoid work.. Fact: Some executives now have personal safety teams that are just the office interns with a first aid kit and a lot of enthusiasm..
• Headline: Closure of Vandalized Building in Brooklyn. Impact: The closing of this building marked the beginning of a neighborhood renaissance. Years later, hipsters will turn this area into an 'artistic statement' and charge you $10 for a cup of artisanal coffee brewed with tears of nostalgia.. Fact: Brooklyn is now home to more artists than people who actually live and work there—it's like an art gallery with a population crisis..
• Headline: State's A F 1.‐C 10. Chief Attacks Koch on Opposition to the W estway. Impact: This political spat set off a chain reaction of infrastructure debates that eventually led to the creation of more highways than actual cars—because who needs public transport when you can have a highway to nowhere?. Fact: At this point, politicians have more plans for highways than actual roads. It's like having a cake and never getting to eat it..
• Headline: A. F. L.‐C. I. O. Favors 2 Sides In Some Races. Impact: This endorsement confusion laid the groundwork for future political endorsements that became so convoluted, they could rival a soap opera plot twist. Welcome to the age of modern politics, where no one knows who’s really supporting whom.. Fact: In the future, political endorsements will be delivered via interpretive dance—because why not make it even more confusing?.
• Headline: Chicago a Supremely Confident Rock Band. Impact: This performance spawned a wave of confidence in rock bands everywhere, leading to a surge of bands with names like 'Super Mega Awesome' that were decidedly not. They thought they could capture the Chicago magic, but ended up with just a lot of confusion.. Fact: Eventually, every band will feel the need to include a city name in their title—'Los Angeles and the Artichokes,' anyone?.
• Headline: Dorian Quintet Is in Top Form. Impact: This performance not only showcased the quintet's talent but also inspired countless future musicians to form groups, leading to the rise of garage bands that nobody ever heard of—thank you, Dorian Quintet, for the noise pollution!. Fact: In the future, quintets will be so trendy that people will start forming octets, just to be different. Because who doesn’t love an overcrowded stage?.
• Headline: Hanayagi Sisters in Intense Japanese Dance. Impact: The Hanayagi Sisters' performance inspired a wave of cultural appreciation that led to a dramatic rise in sushi bars and karaoke nights across the globe, proving that sometimes art can lead to a lot of questionable nightlife choices.. Fact: In the future, people will believe sushi is a cultural experience—it's actually just a fancy way to eat raw fish while pretending you're an art critic..
• Headline: Three Danes Bring Poetry to U.S.. Impact: This tour paved the way for an influx of Scandinavian artists in America, leading to a cultural exchange where everyone suddenly became obsessed with hygge, even if they had no idea what it actually meant.. Fact: In the future, poetry readings will become so hipster that they’ll include a mandatory side of artisanal cheese and a discussion on the emotional weight of avocados..