SEPTEMBER 15, 1977

Full News Archive

• Headline: Massive Dinosaur Track Unearthed in Massachusetts. Impact: This massive dinosaur track caused a surge in dino-mania in pop culture, leading to movies, toys, and an inexplicable rise in T-Rex-themed birthday parties. All thanks to one oversized footprint!. Fact: Did you know that dinosaurs actually had really bad posture? If only they had discovered yoga!.
• Headline: Connecticut Grants Boost Local Employment. Impact: This $5.2-million in grants set off a chain reaction of corporate welfare, convincing every company to start hiring a 'Chief Grant Officer' instead of, you know, actually innovating. Thanks, Connecticut!. Fact: Did you know that Connecticut has more insurance companies per capita than any other state? That's right, they're insuring everything but their sanity!.
• Headline: Report Says E.P.A. Failed to Establish Radiation Controls. Impact: The EPA's failure to control radiation led to a generation of environmental activists who, armed with protest signs and a serious lack of sleep, have been fighting for their planet ever since. Who knew neglect could be so inspiring?. Fact: Did you know that the EPA was founded in response to the environmental movement of the 1960s? Talk about a late bloomer!.
• Headline: North Korea in U.N. Air Group. Impact: North Korea's acceptance into the ICAO led to a series of diplomatic discussions that ultimately resulted in them trying to out-fly everyone else in the airspace game. Who knew air traffic control could be so contentious?. Fact: Did you know that North Korea has a 'state-sponsored' airline that serves meals like 'Mystery Meat Surprise'? Talk about a gamble!.
• Headline: Washington Business. Impact: Carter's struggle with unemployment led to a series of policy shifts that resulted in the creation of a million 'job creation' buzzwords, leaving future politicians with a treasure trove of jargon to sift through. Fact: Did you know that the unemployment rate is often just a fancy way of measuring how many people are trying to avoid work? Welcome to the club!.
• Headline: Foote, Cone Takeover Set for Albert Frank. Impact: This acquisition sparked a cascade of mergers and takeovers in the advertising world, ultimately leading to the rise of the catchy jingle that still haunts our dreams today. Thanks, Foote Cone!. Fact: Did you know that advertising can be traced back to ancient Egypt? They were the original marketers, but without the catchy slogans!.
• Headline: U. S. FOR ISRAELI TALKS WITH PAN‐ARAB GROUP; Feels Obstacles to Geneva May Fall if Begin Drops Old Objections. Impact: These negotiations, or lack thereof, fueled decades of Middle Eastern diplomacy that has since become a masterclass in how to avoid actually coming to an agreement. Fact: Did you know that the Middle East peace process has been going on so long that it could practically run for office by now? Vote for Peace in 2024!.
• Headline: Carter Is Criticized on Lag in Urban Mass Transit. Impact: Carter's failure to improve urban mass transit led to a nationwide obsession with cars, which in turn gave rise to traffic jams that are now a way of life in every major city. Thanks for the gridlock, Jimmy!. Fact: Did you know that the average American spends over 100 hours a year sitting in traffic? That's like watching 'The Lord of the Rings' trilogy... three times!.
• Headline: Rusk and Kissinger Unite in Defense of Canal Treaties. Impact: The defense of these treaties signaled a shift in U.S. foreign policy, leading to a cascade of diplomatic strategies that would later involve more golf games and less transparency. Who needs clarity when you have a good putt?. Fact: Did you know that the Panama Canal was actually a French project before the U.S. swooped in? Talk about a major 'Oops' moment in history!.