SEPTEMBER 4, 1977

Full News Archive

• Headline: Bank Planes Used for Political Campaigning. Impact: This seemingly innocent investigation led to the establishment of a secret society of bankers who decide the fate of politicians with strategic jet-setting. Who knew those private planes were actually the real Oval Office?. Fact: The National Bank of Georgia's charter is basically the blueprint for all future 'banking shenanigans' that eventually lead to a Netflix documentary in 2030!.
• Headline: Subway Flooding Explained as 'Act of God'. Impact: The engineers' declaration of 'act of God' sparked a trend where every natural disaster was blamed on divine intervention, leading to a rise in insurance claims and a new career for blame-shifting consultants.. Fact: In reality, the subway flooding was just New York's way of auditioning for a new water-themed reality show titled 'Flooded Underground'..
• Headline: Earth Sounds in Space Exploration. Impact: Anne Druyan’s article was the catalyst for a secret intergalactic committee that decided to monitor Earth’s sounds. The aliens were just waiting for us to make a playlist before they made contact.. Fact: Those sounds included a surprising amount of cat meows and elevator music. Apparently, the aliens are as confused by our choices as we are..
• Headline: The Rights of Cogs. Impact: Professor Hewlett's insights led to a series of underground meetings between economists and human rights activists, ultimately resulting in the creation of the 'Cogs for Humanity' campaign. Spoiler: it didn’t end well.. Fact: Capitalism and human rights have had a rocky relationship, like a couple who keep trying to make it work despite constantly breaking up over dinner choices..
• Headline: Pirates, Soldiers of Fortune and Spies. Impact: Freedman's revelation about pirates transformed modern storytelling, inspiring a new genre: 'grimdark pirate romances' that captivated audiences and left historians scratching their heads.. Fact: The only thing more confusing than the role of pirates in history is how they somehow made their way into every children's movie in the past two decades..
• Headline: Federal Judges Rate 7.1 Percent of Lawyers Incompetent in Study of Three State Area. Impact: The Federal Judges' study inadvertently created a new reality TV show called 'America's Most Incompetent Lawyers', which ran for 12 seasons and was hosted by a retired judge.. Fact: The judges rating lawyers as incompetent was actually the beginning of a new rating system for all professions – welcome to the ‘Incompetence Index’!.
• Headline: Behind the Best Sellers: Robert S. Elegant. Impact: Robert S. Elegant's book inspired a wave of 'dynasty dramas' that ultimately led to the birth of reality TV, proving that no one can resist the allure of rich people yelling at each other.. Fact: Ironically, 'Dynasty' was originally meant to be a documentary on how not to manage wealth. Spoiler: it didn’t work out that way!.
• Headline: The World. Impact: Pumping $8 billion into the economy became a popular trend, leading to a global competition among nations on who could throw the most cash at problems. Spoiler alert: it didn’t solve anything.. Fact: The government expected this move to stimulate growth, but all it did was fund an increase in overpriced coffee shops and artisanal toast..
• Headline: Big Business in Atlantic City. Impact: The financial dealings of the Miss America Pageant inspired a series of bizarre beauty contests, including 'Miss Underwater Basket Weaving', which surprisingly gained a cult following.. Fact: The $600,000 deal with CBS was merely the tip of the iceberg; they later discovered that beauty pageants were the original influencers in reality TV long before Instagram existed..