AUGUST 11, 1977

Full News Archive

• Headline: Legacy of the Panama Canal Protests. Impact: If the canal hadn't caused anguish, perhaps the U.S. and Panama would have formed an unbreakable bond, leading to a world where everyone communicates via interpretive dance instead of treaties. Thanks, engineering!. Fact: The Panama Canal is so important that it actually rerouted the flow of world trade, proving that water can indeed be a more effective diplomat than many politicians..
• Headline: Harlem Opera's Unique Outdoor Concert Experience. Impact: If only the Harlem Opera had sung in Italian, perhaps they would have unlocked the secret to time travel and solved all of humanity's problems. Alas, we’re still here.. Fact: It turns out, opera in English can be just as soul-crushing as in Italian, but at least you can understand why you’re crying..
• Headline: Rep. Flynt's European Diplomacy on Korea Inquiry. Impact: Flynt's inquiry could have led to a global ban on confusingly named characters, ensuring that no one would ever have to deal with Park Tong Sun in London ever again. But alas, bureaucracy prevails.. Fact: Every time a politician goes to Europe for an inquiry, a confused tourist loses their way. Just a little-known fact..
• Headline: Atlantic City Hotel Buyer Used an Alias. Impact: If Gambino had just used his real name, he might have opened a legitimate hotel chain instead of adding to the crime drama. Who knows? Atlantic City could have been a family-friendly resort by now.. Fact: Emmanuel Gambino: the poster child for why aliases are generally a terrible idea. Just ask any undercover cop..
• Headline: Castro, Church Break the Ice, Talk Business. Impact: The sugar price talks with Castro could have led to a world where candy was free, causing an international crisis of cavities. So, really, thank you, Fidel, for sparing our teeth.. Fact: Sugar prices are one of those things that only seem to matter when you’re trying to bake cookies and realize you're broke..
• Headline: Minnesota Will Help Poor Get Abortions. Impact: If Minnesota had stopped funding abortions, it could have opened the floodgates for states to create their own 'Welfare Olympics,' where the prize is a lifetime supply of bureaucracy.. Fact: The debate over abortion funding has been going on longer than the average Netflix series—proving that binge-watching isn't the only way to waste time..
• Headline: Around the Nation. Impact: If only the warden had better credentials checks, we might have avoided a reality show called 'Prison Writers Gone Wild'—the ratings would have been through the roof!. Fact: James Earl Ray's notoriety was so intense that even Playboy writers couldn't resist trying to get close. Talk about a strange career path!.
• Headline: A Guide for the Perplexed. Impact: Max Apple’s guide could have sparked a revolution in mental health awareness, causing everyone to throw their problems into self-help books instead of therapists. Who needs professionals anyway?. Fact: Mental depression has been around since humans first started thinking too much—so, basically, forever..
• Headline: Lance's Former Bank Is Reported Under S.E.C. Inquiry on Securities. Impact: SEC inquiries into banks have a way of leading to tighter regulations, which could have resulted in bankers becoming the next rock stars—glamorous, untouchable, and occasionally in handcuffs.. Fact: Securities investigations are like soap operas for adults: full of scandal, intrigue, and a complete lack of logic..