AUGUST 5, 1977

Full News Archive

• Headline: Syria Rejects Interim Peace Proposals. Impact: Assad's rejection of the interim session leads to a series of diplomatic misfires, resulting in a chain reaction of failed peace talks that eventually spawns a whole genre of bad reality TV about international negotiations. Who knew the fate of pop culture hinged on a stubborn leader?. Fact: Did you know that Assad's favorite movie is probably 'The Godfather'? After all, he does seem to appreciate the value of family... and power..
• Headline: Steve Anderson Appointed Asst. Coach at Fordham. Impact: Steve Anderson’s appointment as assistant basketball coach leads to a future where the Fordham basketball team becomes unexpectedly popular, inspiring a series of wildly successful sports movies starring a young, unknown actor who later becomes a megastar. Thanks, Steve!. Fact: Fun fact: Coaching at Fordham is the only profession where you can go from zero to hero—unless you’re coaching the New York Knicks..
• Headline: Carter Expands CIA's Control Over Intelligence. Impact: Carter giving Turner control sets off a bureaucratic domino effect, leading to an era of intelligence agencies fighting over budgets like kids in a candy store, ultimately resulting in surprise birthday parties for spies that no one ever wanted.. Fact: Did you know that Turner once tried to assign tasks to his pet goldfish? Turns out they were better at intelligence than some agents..
• Headline: Energy Chief Finds Utility Tipoff. Impact: Jacobson’s fight against deregulation leads to a bizarre future where gas prices become the leading cause of conspiracy theories, with some believing that aliens are responsible for the fluctuating costs. Spoiler: they aren't.. Fact: Did you know that in New Jersey, gas prices are like a bad relationship? They keep rising and falling, and you never know when you’ll get a surprise heartbreak..
• Headline: New Leaders of Port Authority Introduce Anti junket Tiavel Plan. Impact: The introduction of the anti-junket travel plan at the Port Authority leads to a new era of accountability that ironically inspires a series of boring corporate retreats where everyone learns about the joys of Excel spreadsheets. Exciting, right?. Fact: Did you know that ‘anti-junket’ is just corporate jargon for ‘we’re cutting back on the fun stuff’?.
• Headline: Trenton Topics. Impact: Joyce's not-guilty plea ignites a legal drama that captivates the nation, leading to a whole series of courtroom shows that glorify the idea of being a victim even if no one really understands the case. Welcome to the age of reality court television!. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more convoluted than Joyce's case is the plot of a daytime soap opera..
• Headline: The Wilting of Reform. Impact: The rejection of election reform leads to a future where the phrase 'political reform' becomes synonymous with empty promises, paving the way for endless political memes and social media rants. Thanks for the content, politicians!. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'political reform' is just code for 'we’re going to keep doing what we’ve always done'?.
• Headline: New Jersey. Briefs. Impact: The Hackensack Water Co fixing their mains leads to an environmental miracle where water conservation becomes the next big thing, inspiring a line of trendy 'Save Water' merchandise that no one really needs but everyone buys anyway.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more refreshing than clean water is the idea of selling it to you in a designer bottle!.
• Headline: Topics. Impact: Ed’s dispute about museum attendance leads to a bizarre rivalry between art lovers and sports fans that escalates into an annual 'Museum vs. Stadium' competition. Spoiler: the museums have better snacks.. Fact: Did you know that museums have been trying to market themselves as 'the quieter sports arena' for years? Who knew silence could be so competitive?.
• Headline: President Seeks Legalized Status For Many Aliens,. Impact: Carter's proposal for legalized status for many aliens creates a ripple effect that leads to a future where immigration debates are the hottest topic at family dinners—right alongside politics and that one uncle who always tells the same stories.. Fact: Fun fact: Proposing to legalize aliens sounds like a sci-fi movie plot. Maybe we should get Spielberg involved!.