APRIL 13, 1977

Full News Archive

• Headline: B-1 Bomber's Future Tied to Arms Talks. Impact: If only Carter had skipped the B-1 Bomber and opted for a fleet of flying cars instead, we might have avoided half the traffic jams in history. Not to mention, the entire world could have been spared from endless debates about arms control. Who needs peace when you have a shiny new bomber, right?. Fact: Did you know the B-1 Bomber was so expensive that it could have funded a small country's annual budget? Just think of all the things we could have done with that money—like buying a lot of really nice pens for signing peace treaties.
• Headline: Federal Court Supports Police Tactics in Protests. Impact: The federal court ruling gave an unexpected boost to the concept of 'freedom of speech.' If only they'd known, they could have patented it and sold it to every politician who ever tried to silence a protest. Fact: Did you know that some of those anti-war demonstrators were arrested for 'standing around looking suspicious'? Maybe they should have just worn clown shoes to avoid being charged.
• Headline: Papp Plans New Look for Beaumont. Impact: Joseph Papp's renovation plans for the Beaumont Theater might have saved Broadway from becoming a total dumpster fire. Had they not done it, we might have ended up with a theater scene so stale, even the ghosts of past performers would have fled. Fact: Did you know that the theater industry is often referred to as 'the business of dreams'? So, if you’re not dreaming big, you might just be dreaming of the world’s smallest theater—your living room couch.
• Headline: Careers. Impact: The rise of in-house corporate lawyers paved the way for the kind of legalese that even Shakespeare would struggle to understand. They became the gatekeepers of corporate jargon, ensuring that no one ever reads the fine print without crying. Fact: Did you know that being an in-house lawyer is basically like being a superhero? They swoop in to save companies from the evil clutches of litigation—cape not included.
• Headline: Thefts by Youths in Queens Lead Dozen Plants to Say They'll Move. Impact: The Queens thefts prompted businesses to invest in security systems that were so advanced, they could probably detect if a cat walked by the front door. This led to the eventual rise of the 'neighborhood watch'—the original social media group. Fact: Did you know that the neighborhood watch was actually started by a group of bored retirees with too much time on their hands? They had nothing better to do than watch other people’s business.
• Headline: Talks Ordered in Strike At Kansas City Schools. Impact: The Kansas City school strike negotiations became a masterclass in how to not resolve conflict. They should have just sent in a pizza, because everyone knows that food is the universal peace offering. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'let's table this discussion' often means 'let's procrastinate this until we forget what we were talking about'? Education negotiations are the best at mastering this art.
• Headline: SOVIET CARGO OF FISH BROUGHT INTO BOSTON. Impact: The arrival of Soviet cargo in Boston was like the beginning of a sitcom where everyone is too polite to mention the illegal fishing. It sparked a series of international fishy business deals that would make even the most seasoned fisherman raise an eyebrow. Fact: Did you know that fish can actually 'talk' to each other through sound? If only those fish could have told the Soviets to stay away from Boston, they might have avoided a lot of trouble.
• Headline: Article 2 ‐‐ No Title. Impact: The treehouse behind the White House became a symbol of childhood innocence and political naivety. If only the politicians had taken a break to play in treehouses as kids, we could have avoided a lot of the nonsense that later ensued. Fact: Did you know that treehouses are often considered the original 'man caves'? They were where kids first learned to negotiate their snack rations and avoid chores.