MARCH 18, 1977

Full News Archive

• Headline: Rebel Forces Capture Kolwezi Amid Confusion. Impact: This rebel takeover led to a rare moment where copper prices fluctuated wildly, causing a chain reaction in global markets and an inexplicable rise in the price of chintzy copper jewelry. Who knew a bunch of rebels could affect your souvenir shopping?. Fact: Did you know that Kolwezi is like the 'golden goose' of copper mining? Just think, if they had known how to keep it under wraps, we might have avoided the whole 'copper crisis meets rebel chic' debacle..
• Headline: Chicago St. Patrick's Day Parade Remembers Daley. Impact: The nostalgia for Mayor Daley's era sparked a tradition of overly long parades where people just walk in circles reminiscing about the good ol' days, ultimately leading to the invention of the 'parade nap' – a socially acceptable excuse to sleep in public.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more Irish than a Chicago St. Patrick's Day Parade is the amount of green beer consumed? It's less of a parade and more of a 'let's see how much we can drink and still remember our own names' contest..
• Headline: Exploring Hannah Hoch's Dada Legacy. Impact: Hannah Hoch's influence on Dadaism inspired the future trend of hipster irony, leading to a world where people pay exorbitant prices for what looks like a toddler's art project. Thanks, Dada!. Fact: Did you know that Dadaists were known for their anti-art stance? So technically, if you don’t get it, you’re right on track with the whole movement!.
• Headline: Calif ano Says Quotas Are Necessary To Reduce Bias in Jobs and Schools. Impact: This statement ignited a decades-long debate that led to the creation of endless meetings and committees, where people sat around discussing quotas instead of actually implementing them, thus ensuring that the only thing that grew was the number of PowerPoint presentations.. Fact: Did you know that quotas are sometimes seen as a dirty word? It’s almost like saying 'let’s actually try to make things fair' is the most radical idea since sliced bread..
• Headline: P. L. O. Official Shakes Hands With President. Impact: This handshake was the start of a long, complicated diplomatic dance, leading to a series of awkward encounters that made handshakes everywhere just a bit more uncomfortable. Thanks, politics!. Fact: Did you know that handshakes are basically the adult version of 'let’s pretend we’re friends'? Because nothing says 'trust' like a sweaty palm and a forced smile..
• Headline: BODY FOUND IN THE DESERT MAY BE LEADER OF UNION. Impact: The discovery of this body sent shockwaves through labor unions, leading to stricter regulations and a renewed awareness about workplace safety, ultimately resulting in a dramatic increase in workplace safety training – which ironically, nobody wanted to attend.. Fact: Did you know that finding a body in the desert is like a real-life episode of a crime drama? Just missing the dramatic music and a detective who doesn't play by the rules..
• Headline: Carey Bars 5% Rise Now For All in Civil Service. Impact: By rejecting the pay raise, Governor Carey ensured that civil servants everywhere would become masters of budgeting. They learned to stretch a dollar further than a yoga instructor in a crowded class.. Fact: Did you know that saying 'no' to a pay raise is like saying 'I love living on ramen noodles'? It’s a real testament to the power of optimism in the face of financial despair..
• Headline: HANAFI SECT TRADES THREATS WITH J.D.L.. Impact: This exchange of threats marked the start of a series of escalated tensions that would serve as a cautionary tale for future generations about the dangers of heated online debates. Spoiler alert: they never learned.. Fact: Did you know that trading threats is basically the adult version of 'I know you are, but what am I?' It’s always just a step away from a playground brawl..
• Headline: German Sprinter Says Team Uses Drugs. Impact: This admission led to a wave of stricter drug policies in sports, ultimately resulting in athletes spending more time dodging tests than training. Who knew getting caught could be such a full-time job?. Fact: Did you know that in sports, 'using drugs' is basically the equivalent of saying, 'I like to have my cake and eat it too'? Because who doesn’t want to cheat a bit and still look good?.