MARCH 11, 1977

Full News Archive

• Headline: Remembering Nuclear Physicist Howard L. Schultz. Impact: Had Howard L. Schultz not been a nuclear physicist, we might never have had decaf coffee. Imagine a world full of jittery, hyperactive nuclear scientists—now that's a meltdown waiting to happen.. Fact: Did you know that nuclear physicists are just like regular physicists, except they have a penchant for splitting atoms instead of personalities?.
• Headline: Carter Administration's Diplomatic Efforts. Impact: This diplomatic balancing act made the U.S. the world’s most awkward middleman, leading to decades of tense negotiations and the world's longest game of geopolitical charades.. Fact: Did you know that trying to satisfy both Israelis and Arabs is like trying to please a cat and a dog? Good luck with that, Jimmy!.
• Headline: Navigating Children’s Television Choices. Impact: As parents became more aware of TV's harmful effects, children began to develop the ability to roll their eyes—thus creating the first generation of professional eye-rollers.. Fact: Did you know that the original TV was invented as a way to keep children quiet? Spoiler alert: it didn’t work..
• Headline: At Sweet ’n Low Brooklyn Plant, Action Imperils 500 Jobs, $50 Million Business. Impact: The impending saccharin ban set off a chain reaction of sugar-induced chaos, leading to an unforeseen rise in cupcake consumption and the eventual obesity epidemic.. Fact: Did you know that Sweet 'n Low was originally created to make people feel better about their unhealthy eating habits? Talk about a sweet deception!.
• Headline: COUNCILMEN ASSAIL REPORT ON SERVICES. Impact: The City Council's report sparked a media frenzy, leading to an avalanche of reports that ultimately left the city in an even bigger quagmire of bureaucracy and confusion.. Fact: Did you know that city reports are just like bad sitcoms? They never really resolve anything and leave you wondering why you wasted your time..
• Headline: The No‐So‐Long, We‐Love‐You‐Furlong Blues. Impact: The U.S. metric system debate led to a national identity crisis, leaving Americans confused about whether to measure their drinks in ounces or liters—a true existential crisis.. Fact: Did you know that America is one of the last countries clinging to the imperial system? Because who doesn't want to calculate distances in miles while running on a treadmill?.
• Headline: On Letting the Gene Out of the Bottle. Impact: This mock attack on Nixon, if true, set a precedent for future pranks that would eventually lead to reality TV, proving that sometimes truth is stranger than fiction—or just as ridiculous.. Fact: Did you know that the Pentagon has a history of bizarre experiments? But don’t worry; none of them involve cupcakes... yet..
• Headline: Saccharin Ban Causes Storm Of Complaints. Impact: The storm of complaints set off a sugar rush of consumer activism, leading to future bans on other 'bad' substances and the rise of the gluten-free, dairy-free, taste-free trend.. Fact: Did you know that sugar may be bad for your health, but it’s definitely good for your mood? Just don’t tell your dietician!.
• Headline: Ex‐Pentagon Researcher Says the Army Waged Mock Attack on Nixon.