FEBRUARY 17, 1977

Full News Archive

• Headline: Crosland's Condition Post-Stroke Update. Impact: Crosland's stroke stabilized the medical field's focus on stroke recovery, leading to the invention of the time machine that allowed doctors to go back and warn him. Ironically, they never did, proving that even with time travel, people still forget to call.. Fact: Did you know that strokes are not just a reason for dramatic headlines? They also inspired a wave of medical innovations—like the 'How Not to Stroke Out' pamphlet!.
• Headline: Barriers Facing Eastern European Refugees. Impact: The barriers faced by refugees led to the formation of a secret underground network of people who just wanted to cross the West's borders. They ended up inventing a new sport: border-jumping.. Fact: Did you know that many refugees have faced barriers more daunting than a toddler's tantrum in a toy store? Just think of the nightmares these poor souls have had to endure!.
• Headline: CARTER SAYS CUBANS MAY LEAVE ANGOLA, IS RECEPTIVE ON TIES. Impact: Carter's openness to Cubans leaving Angola led to a series of awkward family reunions that generations later resulted in the creation of 'Cuban-American Family Feud'—the game show no one wanted.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more complicated than U.S.-Cuba relations is trying to understand your in-laws? Good luck with that!.
• Headline: Pan Am to Run Westchester Field For County for $175,000 a Year. Impact: Pan Am's Westchester Field deal led to a sudden surge in 'airport-themed' reality shows, where contestants race to find their luggage while dodging airport security. Spoiler: no one wins.. Fact: Did you know that $175,000 a year could buy you a small island? Or at least a decent amount of overpriced snacks at the airport?.
• Headline: Fishers Island, With Gentry. Scarce, Fights Obsolescence. Impact: Fishers Island's fight against obsolescence inspired a movement where every island resident secretly wished for a reality TV show to boost tourism. Sadly, they only got a documentary about taxes.. Fact: Did you know that high taxes can drive people away faster than a seagull swooping in for your fries? Welcome to island life!.
• Headline: F.B.I. Official Is Reinstated On Policy‐Making Board. Impact: Decker's reinstatement on the FBI board led to a series of unfortunate decisions that resulted in a time paradox where agents were both enforcing the law and breaking it. It's a government thing.. Fact: Did you know that the FBI has more plot twists than a soap opera? If only they could investigate their own plot holes!.
• Headline: Britain Says Decision to Deport 2 U.S. Writers Will Be Carried Out. Impact: The deportation of U.S. writers from Britain triggered an underground literary rebellion, resulting in the classic novel 'How to Get Kicked Out of a Country: A Guide for Writers.'. Fact: Did you know that getting deported can be just as inspirational as a bad breakup? Welcome to the literary world, where drama is a requirement!.
• Headline: NEW M. A. C. POWERS PROPOSED BY BEAME AS FISCAL SOLUTION. Impact: Beame's proposed M.A.C. powers led to a bureaucratic snowball effect, resulting in a new reality show called 'Budget Balancers,' where contestants struggle to make cents out of nonsense.. Fact: Did you know that balancing a budget is about as easy as herding cats? And just as chaotic!.
• Headline: Bell Vows to Tighten Curbs Against Illegal Aliens. Impact: Bell's crackdown on illegal aliens led to a secret society of aliens planning their own legislation to get a job. Spoiler: they mostly just wanted to work in food trucks.. Fact: Did you know that illegal aliens are just like any other workers? They want to earn a living and avoid getting caught by the intergalactic police!.