JANUARY 13, 1977

Full News Archive

• Headline: Coretta King's Concerns on Carter's Cabinet. Impact: Had Coretta's concerns been heeded, we might have seen a cabinet filled with more diverse voices and fewer segregationist vibes, thus giving rise to a completely different civil rights narrative that could have led to a more equitable America by the 1990s. Or maybe just an increase in awkward family dinners.. Fact: Did you know that Coretta Scott King was not just a voice for civil rights but also a skilled musician? Guess she should have auditioned for the role of Secretary of Harmony in Carter's cabinet!.
• Headline: JOBLESS RATE AT 7.9%. Impact: This miniscule drop in unemployment might have convinced a few job seekers to finally update their resumes—resulting in a sudden spike in motivational quotes on social media that would echo through the ages.. Fact: Did you know that 7.9% is just one more decimal point away from being the percentage of people who would rather binge-watch their favorite shows than go job hunting?.
• Headline: Soviet Defector Depicts Grim Life at MIG‐25 Base. Impact: Belenko’s defection and his subsequent revelations could have led to a massive diplomatic shift, inspiring the U.S. to offer better living conditions to spies and defectors alike—perhaps even a five-star hotel stay for future defectors!. Fact: Did you know that a MIG-25 can fly faster than the speed of sound, but apparently not fast enough to escape the grimness of Soviet military life?.
• Headline: BLUMENTHAL PLANS TO LIMIT BENDIX TIES. Impact: By limiting ties with Bendix, Blumenthal might have inadvertently set the stage for a series of corporate breakups that would inspire an entire genre of romantic comedies focused on 'corporate love gone wrong.'. Fact: Did you know that limiting corporate ties is just a fancy way of saying you want to keep your options open? Like saying 'it's not you, it's me' but with stock options!.
• Headline: Schools Say a Strike Would Halt Meals. Impact: A strike that halts school meals might have led to a nationwide revolution in school lunch programs, where kids would suddenly appreciate the value of a PB&J sandwich—thus sparking a culinary renaissance among the youth.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more alarming than kids not getting their lunches is the thought of them actually having to eat cafeteria food? Now that's a tragedy!.
• Headline: KELLEY TO BE OUSTED AS DIRECTOR OF F.B.I.. Impact: Kelley's ousting could have sent shockwaves through the FBI, leading to a chain of events that eventually culminated in a reality TV show starring disgraced former directors—because why not add a little drama to federal investigations?. Fact: Did you know that being ousted from the FBI could make you a prime candidate for a career as a 'consultant' on crime shows? Talk about a plot twist!.
• Headline: G.A.O. Says Interpol Unit in U.S. Is Yielding Information Too Freely. Impact: This revelation may have caused a ripple effect, leading countries to tighten their data-sharing protocols, resulting in a secret war of information that could only be solved by an international game of charades.. Fact: Did you know that sharing information too freely is like giving a toddler unlimited cupcakes? Sure, it sounds fun, but it usually ends in chaos!.