DECEMBER 18, 1976

Full News Archive

• Headline: Aetna and Kaiser Face Tax Writedowns. Impact: If only Aetna and Kaiser had written down their egos instead of property values, we might have avoided the 80s real estate bubble. But alas, the butterfly flaps its wings and here we are—still paying for it.. Fact: You know, a tax write-down is just a fancy way of saying 'Oops, I spent too much money on things that aren’t worth it anymore.'.
• Headline: Gideon and Perle Concert Highlights. Impact: This concert, while seemingly innocent, inspired a secret society of hipsters dedicated to only listening to obscure composers. The reverberations can be felt in every overpriced coffee shop to this day.. Fact: Miriam Gideon and George Perle: the duo that made your last dinner party sound like a symphony of confusion..
• Headline: Saudis Linking Oil and Peace. Impact: By keeping oil prices low, the Saudis inadvertently created an era of gas-guzzling SUVs. Little did they know, they were also fueling the rise of the environmental movement. Talk about a mixed message!. Fact: They say oil and water don’t mix, but somehow, in the world of politics, they always find a way to stir things up..
• Headline: New Jersey Briefs. Impact: This dismissal set a precedent for state troopers everywhere to get away with questionable gas purchases—leading to a national 'gas-gate' scandal that never quite happened but was always whispered about.. Fact: In a shocking twist, it turns out that charging for gas you never used is the quickest way to earn a free trip to the 'You Can't Make This Stuff Up' museum..
• Headline: BYRNE PLANS ACTIONS TO SAVE PINE BARRENS. Impact: By protecting the Pine Barrens, Byrne inadvertently saved a future generation of hipsters looking for the next 'off-the-beaten-path' Instagram spot. Thanks for the wilderness, Byrne!. Fact: The Pine Barrens are not just a place; they’re a whole mood. Just ask any local who claims to have seen the Jersey Devil while camping..
• Headline: U.S. Approves 2 Ports on Gulf For Supertankers. Impact: The approval of deepwater ports was like opening Pandora's box for oil companies, leading to the ongoing battle of environmentalists vs. big oil. Spoiler alert: the environment usually loses.. Fact: Deepwater ports: where the ocean meets capitalism, and environmentalists meet their match. It's like a real-life game of Monopoly but with actual consequences..
• Headline: CARTER TO APPOINT IDAHO'S GOV. ANDRUS INTERIOR SECRETARY. Impact: Carter's ambitious plan to consolidate energy departments was the first step toward creating a bureaucratic labyrinth that even the Minotaur would struggle to navigate. Good luck finding your way out!. Fact: Consolidating departments sounds great until you realize it just means more paperwork and less actual energy being produced. Yay, progress!.
• Headline: Pick It Lottery Drawing To Be Televised Daily. Impact: Televising the lottery drawing turned it into a daily spectacle, leading to countless family arguments over who picked the right numbers. A true testament to the power of hope and disappointment.. Fact: Watching the lottery is like looking at a buffet of dreams: you can see what you want, but you can’t actually have it. Enjoy the show!.
• Headline: Notes on People. Impact: Nixon’s name popping up again in social circles led to a resurgence of interest in political scandals, prompting the rise of reality TV. Thank you, Richard, for making drama a family tradition.. Fact: Richard Nixon: the only president whose scandals were more entertaining than the shows that followed. Talk about a legacy!.