SEPTEMBER 25, 1976

Full News Archive

• Headline: Zoo Attendant Injured by Elephant Incident. Impact: If that elephant hadn’t seized Wooster, perhaps he would have inspired a new breed of elephant whisperers. Instead, we have a world filled with people who think they can just approach wild animals and take selfies. Thanks, Herbert.. Fact: Did you know elephants can weigh as much as a car? So, if you’re ever thinking of cleaning their pen, maybe bring a friend or two… or a crane..
• Headline: John Covert's Art Legacy Unveiled. Impact: Covert's paintings might just have sparked the modern trend of art that looks like a toddler's finger painting, leading to an explosion of overpriced abstract art that we still pretend to understand.. Fact: Did you know that art critics often use fancy words to describe what looks like a paint explosion? 'A stunning juxtaposition of chaos and tranquility' could really just mean, 'I don’t get it, but it looks deep.'.
• Headline: Remembering Erica Anderson: Filmmaker and Advocate. Impact: Erica Anderson’s passing may have created a ripple in the film community, causing future filmmakers to realize that their work might actually matter, leading to an onslaught of indie films that no one will ever watch.. Fact: Did you know that even in the film industry, not every death leads to a blockbuster? Sometimes it just leads to an awkward silence at the next film festival..
• Headline: Hearing on Parking Tickets Is Halted by an Injunction. Impact: The injunction against parking tickets could have led to a world where people think they can park wherever they want. Imagine the chaos if every car just decided to park in the middle of the street. Oh wait, that’s already happening.. Fact: Did you know that the average person spends about 17 hours a year looking for parking? That’s time you could spend doing absolutely anything else. Like perfecting your parking skills..
• Headline: DEBATE IS REGARDED AS DRAW BY EXPERTS WITHIN BOTH PARTIES. Impact: The draw in the presidential debate made future candidates realize that being boring is a winning strategy. Soon, we’d have debates more akin to watching paint dry than actual political discourse.. Fact: Did you know that a draw is just a fancy way of saying, 'Nobody won, but let’s pretend this was exciting'? It’s like saying your team lost but at least they wore matching uniforms..
• Headline: Old Jazz Stars Brought to Mind By Dick Hyman. Impact: Dick Hyman reminding us of old jazz stars might have led to a revival of jazz music, but more importantly, it gave a new generation the excuse to wear fedoras and smoke in dimly lit bars while pretending to be intellectuals.. Fact: Did you know that jazz is just a fancy term for the musical version of 'I’ll make it up as I go along'? If you can't find the right note, just play the wrong one with confidence!.
• Headline: SENATE UNIT MOVES TO PROHIBIT MISSILES FOR SAUDI ARABIANS. Impact: Blocking missile sales to Saudi Arabia might have temporarily halted some global tensions, but it also paved the way for even more convoluted arms deals. Because who doesn’t love a good plot twist in international relations?. Fact: Did you know that politicians often debate missile sales like they’re ordering pizza? 'Extra pepperoni and a side of global conflict, please!'.
• Headline: The First Debate. Impact: The first presidential debate could have set a precedent for future candidates to treat debates as mere performances, where substance is secondary to style. Welcome to the age of political theater!. Fact: Did you know that debates are just like reality TV, except with more suits and fewer dramatic exits? 'I’m not here to make friends' could easily be the slogan for both..