SEPTEMBER 16, 1976

Full News Archive

• Headline: Susan Saxe Trial Begins with Jury Selection. Impact: Had Susan Saxe been acquitted, the world might have seen a dramatic rise in the popularity of crime documentaries, leading to an explosion of true crime podcasts that would eventually distract millions from actually solving crimes.. Fact: Fun fact: The courtroom drama genre owes a lot to trials like this one, proving that nothing sells better than a bit of murder and mayhem mixed with a dash of legal jargon..
• Headline: CRUDE OIL IMPORTS RISE; HEATING FUEL SUPPLY UP. Impact: The rise in crude oil imports may have inadvertently led to the invention of the 'gas-guzzler' trophy, awarded annually to the car with the worst fuel efficiency, without anyone actually caring about the environment.. Fact: Did you know that oil is often referred to as 'black gold'? Because apparently, it’s more valuable than actual gold when it comes to creating geopolitical chaos!.
• Headline: Senate Confirms 8 Ambassadors, Including Stoessel in Bonn Post. Impact: The confirmation of these ambassadors may have inadvertently spawned a new trend of 'ambassador reality shows', where diplomats compete to see who can make the most awkward small talk.. Fact: Did you know? The Senate's role in confirming ambassadors is basically just a fancy way of saying, 'We promise not to mess this up... too much.'.
• Headline: White Rhodesians’ Ruling Party Opens 3‐Day Congress in Umtali. Impact: This congress could have led to a unification of the Rhodesian Front Party, which might have prevented the subsequent chaos that followed, creating an alternate timeline where everyone just happily bakes bread instead.. Fact: Ironically, despite the seriousness of politics, the actual discussions often boil down to who brought the best snacks to the meeting. Spoiler: It’s rarely the politicians..
• Headline: HOSPITAL EMPLOYEES GET A 4½ INCREASE. Impact: The wage increase for hospital employees might have sparked a nationwide trend of successful labor negotiations, leading to an era where everyone suddenly thought they could demand more from their employers—cue the chaos!. Fact: In case you were wondering, wage increases are often met with the same enthusiasm as a dentist appointment—necessary but nobody's exactly throwing a party..
• Headline: FORMER NIXON AIDE DENIES SOLICITING CAMPAIGN FUND. Impact: If Richard V Allen had just kept his mouth shut, the world might have been spared decades of conspiracy theorists claiming that all politicians are secretly working for the highest bidder.. Fact: Did you know? Soliciting campaign funds is basically the political equivalent of asking your rich uncle for a loan—awkward, but somehow everyone pretends it’s totally normal..
• Headline: Bonn Official Will Fly to U.S. For Data in Lockheed Inquiry. Impact: The inquiry into the Lockheed payoffs could have spawned an entire genre of espionage films where bureaucrats save the world one scandal at a time, complete with dramatic music and lots of paperwork.. Fact: Here’s a juicy tidbit: Payoffs in politics are as old as time, proving that some things never change—like the idea that money talks louder than ethics..