SEPTEMBER 1, 1976

Full News Archive

• Headline: Southern Governors Propose New Primary System. Impact: If Southern governors had successfully streamlined the primary system, we might have avoided the chaos of the 'Super Tuesday' phenomenon. Instead, we would have found ourselves in a parallel universe where candidates campaigned in calm and collected environments, sipping sweet tea instead of frantically hopping states.. Fact: In the grand scheme of things, the only thing more complex than the U.S. primary system is trying to explain it to a foreign tourist. Good luck with that!.
• Headline: Books of The Times. Impact: If Edna O'Brien's book had never been reviewed, we could have avoided a future where everyone pretends to have read 'Mother Ireland' just to sound cultured at dinner parties. Beware of the 'I read it' nod!. Fact: In literary circles, 'Books of The Times' is basically the adult equivalent of a participation trophy..
• Headline: ‘Medicaid Mills’ Are Generally Cloaked in Anonymity. Impact: The anonymity of 'Medicaid mills' could eventually lead to a future where the only thing less reliable than your average health provider is a magic 8-ball. 'Will I get good service?' 'Ask again later.'. Fact: Anonymity is great until you realize that your healthcare provider is just a guy named 'Steve' wearing a lab coat and a smile..
• Headline: U.S. Fears Halt in Service With Britain in Air Dispute. Impact: If the air dispute had escalated, we might have witnessed the dawn of a new era: the 'great air travel drought,' where people resorted to using carrier pigeons or hot air balloons to cross the Atlantic.. Fact: Air traffic disputes are like family reunions: everyone pretends to get along until someone brings up politics..
• Headline: CONSUMER NOTES. Impact: Had the FTC not investigated deceptive sales techniques, we could be living in a dystopia where financial institutions offer 'free money' and the fine print mysteriously vanishes into thin air.. Fact: Tax-sheltered accounts: the adult version of hiding your candy from your siblings, only with more paperwork and fewer reward points..
• Headline: CONFEREES ON TAX ASSAILED BY FORD. Impact: Ford's naming of campaign steering committee members might have led to a reality where political campaigns were run like reality TV shows, complete with dramatic confessions and surprise eliminations.. Fact: If political parties were sports teams, the Republicans would definitely have the most confusing playbook ever written..