JULY 29, 1976

Full News Archive

• Headline: Palestinian Nationalism and Extremism Examined. Impact: If Palestinian nationalism had a better PR team, perhaps we'd be living in a world where 'peace in the Middle East' was more than just a punchline in a stand-up routine. Who knew a little diplomacy could go a long way?. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'there will be no peace' has been used so often, it should probably get a royalty payment?.
• Headline: Western Union Negotiates Contract Agreement. Impact: This agreement could have sent the Western Union into a glorious future of labor peace, but instead, it just postponed the inevitable strike. Workers still dream of a day when they don’t have to negotiate over coffee breaks.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing less exciting than contract negotiations is watching paint dry. And even that has its perks..
• Headline: Revitalization of Afro-American Theatre. Impact: If only every art revival could bring about world peace and happiness, but alas, we still have to deal with reality. Maybe this production will inspire future generations to take their creativity more seriously.. Fact: Did you know that 'S-1' is just a fancy name for 'We couldn’t think of a better title'?.
• Headline: Carter Gets a Long Briefing On Intelligence from Bush. Impact: This briefing could have been the moment when intelligence turned into wisdom, but alas, it was just another meeting where nothing changed and everyone pretended to listen.. Fact: Did you know that a full-scale intelligence briefing is basically just a glorified lecture? Popcorn not included..
• Headline: BethlehemSteel's Profit Climbed 9.5% in Quarter. Impact: Bethlehem Steel's profit climb was the kind of news that could have inspired a generation, but instead, it just foretold the doom of American manufacturing as it became a trivia question in future quizzes.. Fact: Did you know that a 9.5% profit increase sounds great until you realize it's down from last year? It’s like saying, 'I ran a marathon, but only because I fell short of my goal.'.
• Headline: Mr. Kissinger's Folly?. Impact: Kissinger's rigid opposition could be seen as the butterfly flapping its wings that ultimately led to a tempest in Europe. Who knew that a loony loan policy could reshape diplomatic relations?. Fact: Did you know that 'Mr. Kissinger's Folly' could be a great title for a sitcom? It would revolve around diplomatic blunders and awkward dinners with world leaders..
• Headline: Minority ‘Tyrannies’. Impact: The debate over public facilities for the handicapped was the spark that ignited a larger conversation about rights and dignity, proving that sometimes it takes a lawsuit to change the world.. Fact: Did you know that if you think about it, the laws around public facilities are like a game of Twister? Everyone's trying not to fall over each other while reaching for the same rights..
• Headline: Kansas City and Shanghai. Impact: This article may have spurred the political chatter that eventually led to a new era of US-China relations, or at least a few awkward dinner conversations about 'that one time we almost normalized things.'. Fact: Did you know that Ronald Reagan's idea of 'not selling out' could also apply to his wardrobe choices? Always the conservative..
• Headline: VIKING SCOOPS UP MARS SOIL SAMPLE IN HUNT FOR LIFE. Impact: The Viking mission was a monumental leap in the search for life beyond Earth, and if aliens were watching, they probably rolled their eyes at our primitive attempts to communicate.. Fact: Did you know that scooping Martian soil is a lot like cleaning your room? You never know what interesting things you might find—just fewer old socks..
• Headline: Guard at White House Is Cleared in Shooting. Impact: The grand jury's decision not to charge the guard is a reminder that sometimes, the only thing that gets cleared is a person's name, while the actual issues remain unsolved.. Fact: Did you know that 'cleared in shooting' sounds like a headline from a bad action movie? Spoiler alert: It usually ends with a sequel..