MAY 17, 1976

Full News Archive

• Headline: Grand Jury Appearance of Feldman in NJ. Impact: Feldman's grand jury appearance might not seem significant, but if he had been acquitted, it could have sparked a trend of 'celebrity grand jury cases' that might have resulted in a reality TV show. Thank goodness for small mercies.. Fact: Did you know that grand juries are often more like secret clubs than actual courts? You need a special pass to get in—like a VIP section, but with less glamour!.
• Headline: Women From 30 States Carry E.R.A. Fight to Land of Lincoln. Impact: The fight for the Equal Rights Amendment could have led to a gender-equal utopia by now. Instead, it got stuck in political limbo, and we ended up with a reality TV president. Nice work, 70s activists!. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'Land of Lincoln' doesn't actually mean anything? Just a reminder that having a catchy slogan doesn't always equate to equality!.
• Headline: Urban League Pays Bicentennial Tribute To Black Americans. Impact: The Urban League's tribute likely sparked a wave of awareness about Black Americans' contributions, leading to a minor renaissance of Black history in schools—until they decided to go back to boring textbooks. Progress is often two steps forward, one awkward back!. Fact: Did you know that the Urban League was founded in 1910? So, they’ve been doing the work for over a century while we still can’t figure out how to teach history right!.
• Headline: Beirut Suffers Heavy Toll In New Surge of Violence. Impact: The assassination of Edouard Saab might have escalated the violence in Lebanon even further, leading to a decades-long cycle of conflict and intrigue that would inspire countless action films. Thanks, sniper!. Fact: Did you know that the Lebanese Civil War lasted from 1975 to 1990? That's a long time to keep a grudge—almost as long as some people hold onto their favorite TV shows!.
• Headline: Opera: Verdi Tradition. Impact: Verdi's opera review might have changed the landscape of American opera, leading us to a future where opera is as popular as reality TV. Imagine a world where Verdi has his own reality show!. Fact: Did you know that opera singers often train for years, only to end up singing in front of audiences that are more interested in their snacks than the arias? Now that’s dedication!.
• Headline: Americans Cool to the French, But It's a Feeling That's Mutual. Impact: This mutual coolness could have led to the cancellation of countless cultural exchanges, leading to a bizarre timeline where American cheese never made it to France, and French fries never reached America. The horror!. Fact: Did you know that the French call French fries 'frites'? It’s like they’re just asking us to mispronounce everything they do. Classic!.