FEBRUARY 19, 1976

Full News Archive

• Headline: Kissinger's Controversial Visit to Peru. Impact: If only those leftist students had thought twice about stoning the U.S. Embassy, perhaps Kissinger would have become a peaceful yoga instructor instead of a geopolitical puppet master. Who knew a few rocks could change diplomatic history?. Fact: Kissinger once said, 'The illegal we do immediately; the unconstitutional takes a little longer.' Classic diplomat logic..
• Headline: Ex-District Attorney’s Testimony on Reimbursements. Impact: Cahn's defense may have inadvertently inspired future politicians to think dual reimbursement was the way to go. Thanks to his case, there are now countless lawmakers perfecting the art of pocket-lining.. Fact: Nassau County’s idea of fighting crime seems to involve a lot of 'creative' accounting. Who needs actual crime-fighting when you can just write yourself checks?.
• Headline: Advertising. Impact: The appointment of new VPs in advertising probably led to a new wave of ads that we all ignore while binge-watching cat videos on the internet. Some things never change.. Fact: Advertising executives have been perfecting the art of selling you things you never knew you needed since the dawn of time. Spoiler: you still don’t need it..
• Headline: J.P. MORGAN SETS GIANT OFFERING. Impact: J.P. Morgan's massive offering might have inadvertently fueled a future generation of Wall Street brokers who think that stock manipulation is just a fun hobby. Thanks, guys.. Fact: J.P. Morgan once said, 'I don't want a nation of thinkers. I want a nation of workers.' Pretty sure that’s how we ended up with reality TV..
• Headline: MAGNETIC FIELD LINKED TO OZONE. Impact: The ozone shield weakening might have led to the rise of sunscreen sales, which means future generations are at least well-protected against sunburns... if not extinction.. Fact: The ozone layer has been the Earth's version of sunscreen since before it was cool. Talk about a long-term investment in skin health!.
• Headline: A.T.&T.Dividend Rises 10c, The Largest Ever Declared. Impact: A ten-cent dividend increase could have set off a chain reaction of stockholder optimism, eventually leading to the modern obsession with instant gratification in the stock market. Thanks a lot, A.T.&T.. Fact: Dividends are like a participation trophy for investors. 'Good job! Here’s a little cash for just existing in the stock market!'.
• Headline: Villagers Arrested As Saigon Charges Church‐Group Plot. Impact: The arrest of villagers could have led to a long line of conspiracy theories suggesting that even the church couldn't escape the political drama. Just when you thought it couldn't get weirder!. Fact: In Vietnam, the only thing more complicated than the politics is the rice noodle soup. Good luck figuring out either without a guide!.
• Headline: A DISPUTE DELAYS SHIFTS IN BEIRUT. Impact: The delay in Beirut likely extended a cycle of political instability that echoed through decades, making the phrase 'let’s get it together' sound more like a distant dream than a reality.. Fact: Political disputes in Beirut are as common as finding a good cup of coffee. Spoiler: it’s always bitter..