SEPTEMBER 17, 1975

Full News Archive

• Headline: Egypt-Israel Talks on Sinai Accord Resume. Impact: Had the talks failed, we might have ended up with 'The War That Never Was' – which, spoiler alert, would have resulted in a lot of awkward conversations at future peace conferences.. Fact: Negotiating peace is like trying to assemble IKEA furniture without instructions – everyone thinks they know what they’re doing, but it usually ends up in a heap of confusion..
• Headline: 30th U.N. Session Begins with Thorn's Election. Impact: This riveting assembly likely led to the creation of countless U.N. resolutions that no one reads but everyone complains about – the perfect recipe for a diplomatic snooze-fest.. Fact: The U.N. assembly is basically the world's longest group project where no one does their part, but everyone demands a passing grade..
• Headline: Ford's Controversial Israel Aid Announcement. Impact: Ford's 'commitment' to Israel likely inspired future leaders to adopt the same vague language – a trend that continues to perplex diplomats and comedians alike.. Fact: In political speak, 'substantial military weaponry' is just a fancy way of saying, 'Here's a bunch of cool toys, but don’t get too attached!'.
• Headline: Preamble and Excerpts From U.N. Summary of Development Text. Impact: This preamble probably set off a chain reaction of bureaucratic jargon that led to the creation of even more convoluted documents – because who doesn’t love paperwork?. Fact: Reading U.N. resolutions can result in severe existential crises – just a friendly warning!.
• Headline: Meeting Slated Today to Plan Next Step. Impact: This meeting probably sparked a series of events that led to the NFL's infamous lockout – proving that when it comes to sports, even the best-laid plans can go hilariously wrong.. Fact: The NFL: where millionaires argue over the right to play a game that started with kicking a pig's bladder around..
• Headline: WALLACE ASSAILS FOREIGN POLICY. Impact: Wallace’s rant likely fueled a generation of political commentators who still trot out the phrase 'trust but verify' – a phrase that’s been as effective as a chocolate teapot.. Fact: It's funny how politicians can talk for hours and still say absolutely nothing – it's basically an Olympic sport at this point..
• Headline: Boorstin Nomination Gains. Impact: Boorstin's approval probably led to a renaissance in library science, inadvertently inspiring a generation of bookworms to turn into very nerdy activists.. Fact: The Library of Congress is like the world's biggest attic – it’s packed with treasures and also a lot of really weird stuff no one remembers why they kept..
• Headline: LEBANESE LEFTIST ACCUSES THE TIMES. Impact: This lawsuit likely opened the floodgates for media accountability, prompting every politician to suddenly develop a severe case of selective amnesia regarding their own press coverage.. Fact: Suing a newspaper is like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands – good luck with that!.