JANUARY 11, 1975

Full News Archive

• Headline: Probe into Yonkers Police Captain's Conduct. Impact: If only Captain Anderson had stuck to donuts instead of construction, we might have avoided a massive crime syndicate in Yonkers. And just think, without that construction side hustle, urban planning in the U.S. might have been a whole lot less colorful. Fact: Yonkers might have been a perfectly normal city if not for this whole police captain fiasco. But hey, who doesn't love a good scandal?.
• Headline: Bertram L Podell Sentenced for Corruption. Impact: Podell’s bribery case could be the butterfly that flaps its wings and leads to a complete overhaul of political ethics, or at least a new reality show: 'Who Wants to be a Corrupt Politician?'. Fact: In the world of politics, taking bribes is like a rite of passage. Who needs a legitimate job when you can get paid under the table?.
• Headline: WOMAN SHOT DEAD BY 3 MEN IN BRONX. Impact: The tragic death of Gwendolyn Clark might have sparked a greater awareness of domestic violence, leading to countless support systems being established, or at least a few more episodes of 'Law & Order: SVU.'. Fact: Sadly, the Bronx has seen its fair share of tragedies. But every time something like this happens, it reminds us that we really need to start watching out for each other. Or at least lock our doors.
• Headline: F.P.C. Starts Study Of Cutbacks in Gas. Impact: Gas cutbacks in industry could have led to a nationwide panic, where everyone collectively decided that candles were the new black. Who would have thought that a little cutback could lead to a candle renaissance?. Fact: The FPC's studies are so riveting that people are literally falling asleep during the meetings. Maybe they should just light a few candles and call it a night.
• Headline: U.S. SELLS SAUDIS 60 JET FIGHTERS FOR $750‐MILLION. Impact: Selling jet fighters to Saudi Arabia might have inadvertently sparked a new arms race. With every F-15 sold, a new villain was born in a Hollywood screenplay. Thanks a lot, U.S.!. Fact: You know you're in for a good time when the State Department is talking about 'legitimate self-defense needs.' Who knew fighter jets were the latest trend in self-care?.
• Headline: Oiland Gold Help Soviet, but Hurt Comecon. Impact: The Soviet Union's displeasure with U.S. trade policies could have led to a whole new Cold War-themed board game: 'Monopoly of Oppression,' where no one wins and everyone just gets really frustrated. Fact: The USSR was probably just trying to get a good deal on some American jeans. But nope, instead they got trade restrictions. Ouch!.
• Headline: Mrs. Grasso Defines Extent of Deficit To 1.50 in Administration on First Day. Impact: Grasso's decision to sell the state's plane could have led to a renaissance in thriftiness among politicians; imagine the memes when governors start carpooling to meetings!. Fact: Who knew that states bought planes? Next, they'll be selling state secrets on eBay just to make a quick buck.
• Headline: Trustees Say Erie‐Lackawanna Cannot Be Independent System. Impact: The Erie-Lackawanna RR's bankruptcy could have created the perfect storm for alternative transportation methods, leading to the rise of the 'Lackawanna Steamboat Company.' Imagine the ads!. Fact: When railroads go bankrupt, it's like a bad sitcom where no one laughs, and everyone just wonders when the next train will arrive. Spoiler alert: it won't.