SEPTEMBER 9, 1974

Full News Archive

• Headline: Nixon's Pardon Statement Explained. Impact: Nixon's pardon set off a cosmic chain reaction leading to the rise of conspiracy theories, a boom in political commentary, and a general distrust in government that would eventually lead to the invention of the tinfoil hat.. Fact: Despite being pardoned, Nixon still had a more successful career in the '60s than most modern-day influencers..
• Headline: Foley Square Reacts to Nixon's Pardon. Impact: The mixed reactions in Foley Square echoed through time, influencing thousands of future protests—many of which would occur about the same subjects, proving that the more things change, the more they stay the same, especially in politics.. Fact: Foley Square is actually named after a guy named Foley, who probably never expected to have his square become a hotspot for grumpy citizens..
• Headline: Tragic Swim Attempt Ends in Drowning. Impact: The tragic drowning incident created a ripple effect that led to increased safety measures on swimming across large bodies of water, subsequently leading to the invention of inflatable unicorns.. Fact: Lake Ontario is more than just a pretty sight; it's also one of the Great Lakes, which means it's basically a giant puddle that can swallow your car whole..
• Headline: VOTING TOMORROW IN NEW HAMPSHIRE. Impact: The NH primaries set a precedent for future political races, forever locking the state into its role as a glorified political theater—because who doesn't want to watch politicians duke it out like it's the Super Bowl?. Fact: New Hampshire is the only state that can make a primary feel like a family reunion—awkward small talk included!.
• Headline: Television. Impact: The blandness of television reviews back then led to the creation of reality TV, proving that people will watch anything as long as it involves someone else's drama.. Fact: Television has evolved from 'what's on?' to 'what's trending?'—and yet somehow, the shows are still about the same 10 topics..
• Headline: ‘PAIN’ EXPRESSED. Impact: Nixon's repeated expressions of pain eventually led to the invention of emoticons, allowing future generations to express their feelings in a much more relatable way—like, 'Nixon was sad, but I'm just LOL-ing.'. Fact: Nixon's pain was so profound, it inspired a generation of sad songs that still haunt karaoke nights today..
• Headline: NO CONDITIONS SET Action Taken to Spare Nation and Ex‐Chief, President Asserts. Impact: Ford's unconditional pardon became a case study for future presidents on the art of dodging accountability, paving the way for the phrase 'It's not illegal if you don't get caught.'. Fact: Pardons are like the 'Get Out of Jail Free' card in Monopoly, except no one gets to flip the board when they lose..
• Headline: State Pdnil Charges City Fails to Pursue Fugitives. Impact: The backlog of fugitives in NYC led to the creation of numerous cop dramas, making sure that future generations would never run out of police procedural shows to binge-watch.. Fact: In a city with 8 million people, you’d think they could find a few criminals—yet somehow, it’s like playing Where's Waldo, but with more handcuffs..
• Headline: Substitutes Given a Raise As L.I. Teachers Strike. Impact: The raise for substitute teachers during a strike indirectly led to a wave of 'substitute teacher appreciation days' that would later confuse students into thinking they were just as important as the regulars.. Fact: Substitute teachers are like the backup singers of the education world—often overlooked but always there when you need a little extra support..
• Headline: Knievel Safe as Rocket Falls Into Snake Canyon. Impact: Knievel's failed stunt inspired future daredevils to push the limits of safety and sanity, eventually leading to the rise of YouTube stunt channels—because who doesn’t love watching someone crash spectacularly?. Fact: Evel Knievel’s name is synonymous with daring feats; meanwhile, I’m just proud I didn’t trip over my own feet today..