AUGUST 2, 1974

Full News Archive

• Headline: Prison Inmates Proposed for Hospital Work. Impact: If Byrne had just let the prisoners work in laundry without controversy, perhaps laundry services would have been the leading industry in corrections. Who knew inmates could have revolutionized the fabric softener market?. Fact: You know, because nothing screams rehabilitation like folding sheets and scrubbing a toilet in a hospital..
• Headline: Dr. Paul H. Newell Becomes President. Impact: Dr. Paul H. Newell's election may have led to a groundbreaking discovery in engineering: how to make a college president more popular than the football team.. Fact: Fun fact: Becoming a college president is the only profession where you can get a standing ovation just for showing up..
• Headline: Phone Company Challenged on Tax Bill. Impact: This tax bill challenge could have sparked a revolution in corporate accountability, leading to the invention of really boring tax seminars for everyone. Yay for excitement!. Fact: Corporate tax strategies are like magic tricks: they leave you wondering where all your money went..
• Headline: 2,000 on IRT Flee A Rush‐Hour Fire At Wall St. Station. Impact: The rush-hour fire caused by an electrical mishap could have led to the invention of fire-proof subway cars, which eventually inspired the creation of the world's most uncomfortable fire drills.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more terrifying than a subway fire is the thought of having to actually run for your life in a crowded train?.
• Headline: U.S. SENATE DELAYS TOCKS DAM START. Impact: The delay of the Tocks Island Dam project paved the way for environmental activism, which eventually led to more people recycling bottles than ever – all while ignoring the compost pile in their backyard.. Fact: Let’s be honest: if a dam falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it really make a sound?.
• Headline: State Freeing Some Mentally Ill Convicts. Impact: The routine release of mentally ill convicts might have led to a bizarre reality show where they compete to see who can integrate into society the fastest. Spoiler alert: it's not a pretty sight.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'mental health' is just a polite way of saying 'I’m one awkward encounter away from a meltdown'?.
• Headline: People in Sports. Impact: Lincoln Werden receiving an award may have inspired countless golf writers to take up the pen, creating an avalanche of articles that led to the most confusing golf etiquette ever.. Fact: Golf: the only sport where you can get a trophy for hitting a ball into a hole, while simultaneously having a midlife crisis about your last performance..