JUNE 22, 1974

Full News Archive

• Headline: Sea Talks: Arab-Israeli Tensions Escalate. Impact: The clash at sea talks led to a series of negotiations that ultimately resulted in the Arab League insisting on more representation in international waters, which then inspired a global trend of overzealous maritime law conferences, where people would argue passionately about the correct way to serve international waters coffee.. Fact: The last time diplomats had a sea clash, they ended up just needing a bigger boat. Spoiler alert: they didn't get it..
• Headline: Consumer Prices Surge in May 1974. Impact: The rise in consumer prices led to the invention of the 'inflation diet', where people pretended they were on a health kick while actually just avoiding food they could no longer afford, thus leading to an unexpected surge in the kale industry 50 years later.. Fact: In a shocking turn of events, a 1.1% rise in consumer prices means you can now only afford 0.9% of your dreams..
• Headline: Nutrition Study Reveals U.S. Policy Gaps. Impact: This nutrition study caused a ripple effect where every government agency decided to start a food fight instead of a food policy, leading to the world's first 'Nutrition Olympics' where people competed in pie-eating contests instead of actually solving hunger.. Fact: Harvard's study concluded that the U.S. has a serious lack of national food goals, which is ironic because we sure have a national goal of consuming pizza..
• Headline: HOUSE COMMITTEE MAY CALL COLSON. Impact: Colson's courtroom statement opened a Pandora's box of scandal which eventually led to the phrase 'It's not the crime, it's the cover-up' becoming a popular mantra, inspiring countless sitcoms about inept politicians.. Fact: Fun fact: Nixon's approval ratings were so low at this time that even his shadow refused to follow him..
• Headline: Indianapolis Mayor Will Oppose Bayh In Race for Senate. Impact: Lugar's easy victory led to a trend of increasingly bizarre political advertisements, culminating in a future where candidates literally danced their way into office, proving once and for all that the public really doesn't care about qualifications.. Fact: Richard Lugar was so confident he could defeat Bayh that he spent more time practicing his victory dance than campaigning..
• Headline: BIKE ROBBERIES UP IN CENTRAL PARK. Impact: The bike robberies catalyzed the rise of the hipster bike culture, which eventually led to a generation of people who would rather ride a fixed-gear bike to work than take public transportation, even if it meant showing up sweaty and out of breath.. Fact: Bike robberies in Central Park were so common that it inspired a new comedy genre: 'How to Escape on Two Wheels Without Your Wallet.'.
• Headline: Calmness Descends On Franklin Bank; Business Off a Bit. Impact: The calmness at Franklin Bank led to an overabundance of 'calmness' workshops in corporate America, which eventually resulted in a nation of overly zen executives who forgot how to make decisions.. Fact: Franklin Bank's new chief officer addressed his team with a calming mantra that was so effective, the employees forgot what they were supposed to do..
• Headline: Soviet Said to Seize Jews As Nixon Visit Approaches. Impact: The Soviet crackdown on Jewish activists sparked a series of global protests that eventually led to the establishment of 'Awkward Family Reunions', where distant relatives would gather and argue about who got arrested for what.. Fact: This crackdown was so poorly timed that it turned into a masterclass in how not to handle dissent before a state visit. Kudos, Soviet authorities!.
• Headline: WOMEN POLICE CHASE AND SEIZE THIEF HERE. Impact: The successful chase by women police officers led to a newfound appreciation for female law enforcement, ultimately inspiring a future where women would be seen as equal partners in crime-fighting and would later refuse to wear heels on the job.. Fact: Dina Acha and Jacqueline Seymour's chase was so impressive that it inspired a reality TV show called 'Cops: But Make It Fashion.'.