APRIL 26, 1974

Full News Archive

• Headline: Simon Backs Controversial Oil Refinery. Impact: This little family connection could have set off an oil boom in Eastport, Maine. If it had gone through, Eastport might have had the same reputation as Texas, which would have led to the world's worst reality show: 'Refinery Wars: The Family Feud Edition'.. Fact: William E Simon's uncle was not just a consultant; he was also known for his questionable advice on investments, like putting money into Beanie Babies..
• Headline: Guillaume's Arrest as East German Spy. Impact: This arrest could have sparked a whole series of spy novels—perhaps even a cinematic universe about political espionage in the 70s. Imagine James Bond with a mustache and a bad haircut.. Fact: Guillaume's arrest prompted a wave of mistrust in government staff that led to an awkwardly high number of 'trust exercises' at political offices across Europe..
• Headline: NIXON STILL USING TAX‐DISPUTE AIDES. Impact: This tax dispute could have spiraled into a full-blown soap opera, with plot twists involving secret offshore accounts and surprise guest appearances by disgraced accountants. If only they had thrown in a dramatic cliffhanger!. Fact: Nixon's aides were so busy managing his tax issues that they accidentally filed for a tax deduction on his infamous Watergate tapes..
• Headline: Marijuana Vote Urged. Impact: Had the vote gone through, the 1970s might have ushered in a golden age of relaxation, leading to a nation of chill citizens who would collectively decide to stop taking everything so seriously, which might have saved disco from itself.. Fact: The public referendum was so controversial that it made the local news like a celebrity gossip column, with everyone speculating on which politician might be a secret stoner..
• Headline: Nixon Is Greeted Warmly By 10,000 in Mississippi. Impact: Nixon's warm reception could have inspired future politicians to try out the 'hug strategy' during campaigns, where they would embrace every voter—resulting in a nation of overly affectionate politicians and a surplus of awkward moments.. Fact: The 10,000 people who greeted Nixon included a surprisingly high number of people who just wanted to see if he would trip on stage..
• Headline: Output of U.S. Workers Worst Drop Since '47. Impact: This disappointing drop in worker output could have led to a national crisis of confidence, resulting in a productivity cult that believes in working harder, not smarter—yes, the cult of the endless coffee break.. Fact: This drop was so bad that it prompted the invention of the office stress ball, which is still a popular desk ornament to this day, despite its complete inability to solve any real problems..