APRIL 13, 1974

Full News Archive

• Headline: Qiryat Shemona's Outpouring of Grief. Impact: The emotional outpouring at the funeral created an underground movement that inspired future generations to express grief through interpretive dance—because, you know, nothing says 'I miss you' like a spontaneous flash mob.. Fact: Funerals have been known to spark revolutions. Just think of how many political rallies start with a poignant eulogy!.
• Headline: Tony Williams Leads Jazz Innovation. Impact: Tony Williams' performance led to a world where jazz drummers became the new rock stars, ultimately resulting in a strange future where musicians are all just drummers playing on kitchen utensils.. Fact: Drumming has been shown to increase happiness, which is why you’ll never see a sad drummer—unless they forgot their sticks!.
• Headline: Australians Innovate Animal Nutrition Research. Impact: The Australian scientists' success led to an unexpected global trend of 'healthier' junk food. Now we have kale chips and avocado brownies—thanks, science!. Fact: If you think about it, every time you eat a potato chip, a scientist somewhere cries. And then they invent kale chips..
• Headline: KISSINGER DOUBTS BROAD ARMS PACT BY END OF YEAR. Impact: Kissinger's doubts about arms pacts led to a historic game of diplomatic chess, where world leaders spent decades pretending they were actually going to play, but really just wanted to make each other sweat.. Fact: In the world of diplomacy, a 'doubt' is just a polite way of saying, 'I’d rather eat my own shoe than agree with you.'.
• Headline: VIOLIN EXCELLENCE FROM AGNES VADAS. Impact: Agnes Vadas' violin debut led to an unexpected surge in violin sales, prompting people to believe they could become virtuosos overnight—spoiler alert: they couldn’t.. Fact: The violin is the only instrument that can make you sound like a genius or a cat in distress, depending on who’s playing it..
• Headline: CRISTINA DEUTEKOM SINGS ELENA AT MET. Impact: Cristina Deutekom's opera debut paved the way for a resurgence in opera, inspiring future generations to don dramatic costumes and sing about their feelings in public places.. Fact: Opera is just a fancy way of saying, 'I’m going to sing my drama instead of talking about it.'.
• Headline: AUDIT VARIATIONS BY I.R.S ARE NOTED. Impact: The IRS's audit variations led to a fierce competition among taxpayers who began finding creative ways to hide their finances, resulting in a new Olympic sport: Extreme Tax Evasion.. Fact: Did you know that the IRS has a sense of humor? They just don't like to share it with taxpayers..
• Headline: U.S. MAY DESTROY A ‘PEOPLE‐MOYER’. Impact: The proposal to destroy the 'people mover' led to a dystopian future where people learned to walk again, sparking a fitness revolution no one asked for.. Fact: Sometimes the best transportation system is your own two feet—unless there’s a pizza place involved, then all bets are off..
• Headline: CAPTAIN BEEFHEART IN GRAVELLY VOICE. Impact: Captain Beefheart's gravelly voice influenced a wave of musicians who believed that sounding like a foghorn was the key to success, leading to a bizarre era of nautical-themed rock.. Fact: Beefheart’s name begs the question: if he was a steak, would he be tender or tough? Only the music can tell!.