DECEMBER 24, 1973

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tragic Death in Grocery Store Holdup. Impact: This tragic event led to an increase in security measures at groceries everywhere, which ultimately resulted in the invention of self-checkout machines, forever changing the face of grocery shopping and increasing the number of people who don't know how to scan a barcode.. Fact: It's sad that this incident happened over a grocery store; who knew a loaf of bread could lead to such a tragic tale?.
• Headline: VICTOR REYNOLDS, 68, LED CORNELL PRESS. Impact: Had Victor Reynolds not led the Cornell Press, we might have been deprived of countless academic tomes that no one reads but everyone pretends to have read. The academic world would be far less pretentious.. Fact: Fun fact: Leading a press means you often have to deal with authors who think their unpublished manuscript is the next great American novel. Spoiler alert: it usually isn’t..
• Headline: OIL PRICE DOUBLED BY BIG PRODUCERS ON PERSIAN GULF. Impact: This price hike sent ripples through the economy, leading to the rise of the fuel-efficient car and the birth of road trips that were mostly just people sitting in their cars, crying over their gas bills.. Fact: It's amazing how doubling oil prices leads to a national emergency, but doubling the price of coffee just results in a few grumpy baristas..
• Headline: GEORGE E. MOEHRINGER. Impact: George Moehringer's contributions to literature and journalism may have inspired a generation of writers, who subsequently filled the world with even more unread books and articles, creating an avalanche of literary guilt.. Fact: Fun fact: Being a writer means you can make up stories for a living, or at least that’s what we tell ourselves while staring at the blank page..
• Headline: MISS NEELEY GIVES PIANO RECITAL HERE. Impact: Miss Neeley's recital likely inspired a wave of aspiring pianists, which in turn led to a generation of parents who regret buying pianos for their children as they endured hours of 'Chopsticks.'. Fact: Piano recitals are basically just a social experiment to see how long parents can sit in silence while their child plays 'Mary Had a Little Lamb' for the millionth time..
• Headline: Learning to Cope on Half the Income. Impact: The struggles of individuals like R. Croasdale highlighted the fragility of economic stability, sparking a trend of budget-friendly meal planning that ultimately led to the rise of avocado toast and the hipster economy.. Fact: Half the income sounds tough, but on the bright side, it does give you a great excuse to skip dinner parties—'Sorry, I’m on a half-budget diet!'.