NOVEMBER 4, 1973

Full News Archive

• Headline: Beanie Beame's Significant Election Lead. Impact: If Beame leads a Dem sweep, the butterfly effect might lead to a sudden surge in political apathy years later, as voters realize their choices don't matter. This could ultimately result in the rise of reality TV stars in politics. Thanks, Beame!. Fact: Did you know that NYC elections often feel like a game of musical chairs, except nobody's dancing, and everyone just hopes their seat doesn't collapse?.
• Headline: High Interest Rates and Market Depression. Impact: These discussions about high interest rates could potentially lead to a secret society of stock market whisperers who blame everything on interest rates. Spoiler alert: they never get invited to parties.. Fact: Did you know that discussing economics in a room full of stockbrokers is like trying to teach a cat to fetch? It's just not going to happen..
• Headline: Boys' Life Celebrates Milestone Anniversary. Impact: The continued success of Boys' Life might just be the reason why countless future leaders learned to tie knots instead of tying the knot. Look out for a wave of knot enthusiasts in politics!. Fact: Did you know that Boys' Life magazine has been around so long, it probably has more survival tips than actual survivalists?.
• Headline: Home Construction Plummets in State. Impact: The plummeting home construction might lead to a nationwide trend of people living in treehouses, sparking a new generation of hipsters who think they invented the concept.. Fact: Did you know that fewer building permits today means more opportunity for your neighbor to finally build that haunted treehouse he keeps talking about?.
• Headline: Woman Fights for Police Job. Impact: J Hostetler-Bulaga's fight for a police job could inspire a wave of 'height and weight requirements are dumb' movements that lead to the most inclusive police force in history, with officers varying from toddler to giant.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing harder than fighting for a job in law enforcement is convincing your grandma that you don't need to be taller than a basketball player to be a cop?.
• Headline: France Preparing Underground Sites For Nuclear Tests. Impact: France's underground nuclear tests could set a trend for 'out-of-sight, out-of-mind' policies worldwide, leading to future leaders hiding their problems in metaphorical basements.. Fact: Did you know that underground nuclear tests are just France's way of throwing a surprise party for the world? They just forgot to invite everyone!.
• Headline: People and Business. Impact: The introduction of early warning fire detectors could eventually lead to a world where smoke detectors become the new family pets, with people pampering their detectors and buying them birthday cakes.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more reliable than a fire detector is the fact that it will always go off when you're cooking something that never needed to be cooked?.
• Headline: Ocean Democrats See Upset. Impact: Byrne's endorsement could cause a ripple effect of unexpected alliances, leading to a bizarre coalition of political figures who just want to wear matching outfits on election day.. Fact: Did you know that political endorsements are like high school prom dates? They often have nothing to do with love and everything to do with avoiding social disaster..
• Headline: Ozzard Battling Kean on P.U.C. Proposal. Impact: The controversy over the P.U.C. proposal could lead to a reality show where politicians compete to be the least controversial, ultimately resulting in a complete lack of political discourse.. Fact: Did you know that political controversies are just like reality TV? Full of drama, but the outcomes rarely change anyone's lives for the better..
• Headline: Camera World: New SLR Has Electronic Shutter. Impact: The launch of the Yashica Electro AX may unleash a new wave of amateur photographers who think they're the next Ansel Adams, only to end up with a collection of blurry selfies.. Fact: Did you know that every new camera model promises to make you a better photographer, yet somehow, we all still end up taking photos of our dinner?.