OCTOBER 27, 1973

Full News Archive

• Headline: Business Leaders Support Nixon Amid Controversy. Impact: This support from businessmen led to a bizarre twist of fate where Nixon's continued presidency inspired a series of corporate takeovers that eventually resulted in the creation of the most powerful corporation in history: 'NixonCorp,' a conglomerate that specializes in selling overpriced memorabilia of disgraced presidents.. Fact: Did you know that Nixon's most loyal supporters were actually just trying to keep the economy stable, or at least stable enough to keep their stocks from plummeting?.
• Headline: Seltzer and Sachs: A Unique Piano Performance. Impact: This performance was so groundbreaking that it inspired a new genre of music: 'Piano Rap.' It ultimately led to a future where every politician had to deliver their speeches in rhyme, making politics both more entertaining and more confusing.. Fact: Fun fact: 'Seltzer-Sachs' is actually the name of a popular cocktail mix that was never invented but definitely should have been!.
• Headline: Nixon Discusses Oil Crisis and Middle East. Impact: Nixon's press conference was a pivotal moment that set a precedent for future presidents to rely heavily on scripted responses, effectively leading to the rise of teleprompters and the unfortunate decline of spontaneous presidential gaffes.. Fact: Did you know that Nixon's contingency plans included a secret recipe for 'Watergate Salad'? Spoiler: it was just a fruit salad with a lot of secrets..
• Headline: SURPLUS IN TRADE FOR SEPTEMBER AT 8½‐YEAR HIGH. Impact: The trade surplus was so impressive that it caused a temporary spike in American optimism, leading to a nationwide obsession with surplus food that ultimately started the trend of 'freeganism.'. Fact: Did you know that the largest trade surplus in history was actually due to the US exporting an excessive amount of hot air? The politicians just couldn’t stop talking!.
• Headline: SPEAKS TO NATION. Impact: Nixon's pledge to influence the Middle East peace talks caused ripples that eventually led to future leaders attempting to solve complex global issues with social media hashtags, resulting in a complete breakdown of diplomacy.. Fact: Did you know that Nixon believed he could solve the Middle East conflict by sending everyone a peace-loving cat video? Spoiler: it didn't work..
• Headline: Oil Is Called a Factor. Impact: This acknowledgment of oil's importance sparked a global obsession with fossil fuels that would lead future generations to invent increasingly ridiculous ways to extract and use oil, including the infamous 'oil-infused avocado toast.'. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'oil is a factor' was originally a euphemism for 'we're probably going to war over this, but let’s not mention it out loud'?.
• Headline: Israel Says Egyptians‐Tried to Break Out Across the Canal but Were Repulsed. Impact: The battle led to an ongoing cycle of conflict and misunderstanding that inspired future generations to create elaborate video games based on the Suez Canal, ultimately leading to a rise in gamers who think they understand geopolitics.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing that was truly repulsed during this battle was any hope for a swift resolution, as history would have it..
• Headline: DEMOCRATS' CROUP ASKS FULL INQUIRY. Impact: The push for a full inquiry into Nixon's actions set a precedent for political investigations that would later devolve into endless partisan squabbles, leading to a future where Congress is better known for its lack of action than for any actual inquiries.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'full inquiry' is just a fancy way of saying 'let's hold our breath until we get the answers we want'?.