OCTOBER 26, 1973

Full News Archive

• Headline: Exploring Mahler's Musical Journey. Impact: Had de La Grange's biography of Mahler not been published, who knows? We might have ended up with an alternative reality where jazz was the dominant genre, and Mahler was just a footnote in music history. Imagine that world, hipsters!. Fact: Did you know that Mahler's music was once considered so complex that even the time travelers needed a manual to understand it? Spoiler alert: there was no manual..
• Headline: U.N. Charter on Peacekeeping Forces. Impact: If only the UN had figured out how to keep peace as well as they keep records, we might have avoided a few global fiascos. Imagine a world where peacekeeping actually worked - conspiracy theorists would be out of a job!. Fact: Did you know that the UN has more peacekeeping forces than actual peace? It's like hiring a bouncer for a party that never happens..
• Headline: UN Security Council Establishes Emergency Force. Impact: Establishing an emergency force with troops from smaller nations might seem noble, but think of the unintended consequences: a whole generation of diplomats became obsessed with using acronyms. UNEF, anyone?. Fact: Did you know that the UN Security Council has had more emergency meetings than most people have had hot dinners? Talk about a lack of appetite for peace!.
• Headline: KISSINGER CUT OFF; VIEWERS CHIDE N.B.C.. Impact: Kissinger’s cut-off moment could have led to a reality where viewers started demanding longer news conferences, setting a bizarre precedent for endless political rants on television. Thank goodness for small mercies!. Fact: Did you know that NBC's coverage of Kissinger was so riveting, it could have put a room full of insomnia patients to sleep? Must be a talent!.
• Headline: Nigeria Breaks Israeli Ties. Impact: Nigeria breaking ties with Israel might have inadvertently led to a whole new chapter in international diplomacy, one that involved increasingly creative ways to avoid each other at parties. Cue the awkward small talk!. Fact: Did you know that diplomatic relations are like relationships? Sometimes you just need to break up to realize you were better off without them..
• Headline: Two Papers Curbing Ads. Impact: The newsprint shortage led to two newspapers cutting ads, which in turn led to a rise in online classifieds. So really, this shortage helped birth the internet. Thanks, trees!. Fact: Did you know that before the internet, people actually used newspapers to find jobs? Imagine applying for a job by putting a paper ad in a tree!.
• Headline: EGYPT SAYS ISRAEL CONTINUES FIRING. Impact: Egypt's accusations against Israel for cease-fire violations just fueled a centuries-long game of international hide-and-seek that continues to this day. Spoiler alert: everyone still loses.. Fact: Did you know that cease-fire agreements are like New Year's resolutions? Everyone agrees, but nobody really follows through!.
• Headline: 5 Indicted in Smuggling Of Tax‐Free Cigarettes. Impact: The cigarette smuggling ring getting busted might have been the moment we collectively decided that tax evasion was just too mainstream. Who knew crime could have a hipster twist?. Fact: Did you know that smuggling cigarettes is like trying to sneak snacks into a movie theater? Except the stakes are much higher and the snacks are a lot less satisfying..
• Headline: SUBWAY MISHAPS STILL A PROBLEM. Impact: The subway mishaps being called a statistical rarity only encouraged more people to ride the subway, leading to an influx of 'subway stories' that would later inspire countless novels. Who knew tragedy could be so inspirational?. Fact: Did you know that riding the subway is statistically safer than walking your dog? But good luck convincing the dog of that!.