SEPTEMBER 25, 1973

Full News Archive

• Headline: A Life in Orient State Institution. Impact: Had Martha Nelson been released earlier, she could have inadvertently inspired a new reality TV show about centenarian life in mental institutions, which would have led to a rise in 'reality' therapy avenues and questionable treatment methods. Thanks, Martha!. Fact: Martha Nelson's life is a reminder that sometimes being coherent is all it takes to keep the wheels of bureaucracy turning… for almost a century!.
• Headline: Hunt Links Colson to Watergate Scheme. Impact: If E. H. Hunt Jr. had kept his mouth shut, the Watergate scandal might have been a mere footnote in history instead of a cautionary tale for future politicians. But alas, the butterfly flapped its wings, and here we are with political intrigue that could fill a library!. Fact: Watergate: the scandal that taught us that if you want to keep a secret, don’t let a guy named Hunt be the one to spill the beans..
• Headline: National Park Service Changes Beach Erosion Policy. Impact: The decision to stop erecting artificial barriers could have led to an alternate reality where beach erosion became a national sport, complete with its own Olympic events. Imagine the medals!. Fact: Beach erosion: nature's way of reminding us that nothing is permanent, not even your favorite vacation spot..
• Headline: Text of Secretary of State Kissinger's Address Before U.N. General Assembly. Impact: Kissinger's vague proposals could have created a ripple effect leading to every diplomat adopting the same strategy of saying a lot while meaning very little, ushering in an era of diplomatic fluff.. Fact: Kissinger's speeches: the original inspiration for motivational posters that say 'Just keep talking, even if it makes no sense!'.
• Headline: 4 in Florida Family Drown. Impact: The tragic drowning of the family could have inadvertently led to stricter safety regulations at beaches, saving countless future vacationers from similar fates. Something positive from a heartbreaking event.. Fact: Drowning incidents like this remind us that nature can be as unforgiving as a poorly written horror movie..
• Headline: U.S. Offers to Sell Lebanon 18 Skyhawk Attack Planes. Impact: Had Lebanon accepted the Skyhawk deal, it could have spiraled into a regional arms race, ultimately leading to a sitcom about overzealous defense contractors. ‘Skyhawk Shenanigans’ would have been a hit!. Fact: Selling arms to Lebanon: a questionable strategy that has proven less effective than selling popcorn to a movie theater..
• Headline: Seoul Urged to Set Deadline for Arrest Of Kim Kidnappers. Impact: If the South Korean government had acted swiftly, it might have set a precedent for international hostage negotiations, leading to a new career path for failed actors as negotiators. Who needs experience anyway?. Fact: The demand for a deadline in kidnappings is like saying, 'Please, let’s not drag this out longer than my last relationship.'.
• Headline: Citizens Coalition Formed To Help Elect Fuchsberg. Impact: The coalition to support Fuchsberg could have catalyzed a wave of political coalitions across the country, leading to an era where alliances were made over coffee breaks and snack exchanges.. Fact: Political coalitions: where the only thing more fragile than the agreements are the egos involved..